My husband and I just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary (Anniversary Pear Cake with Berries and Whipped Cream above) and I think we are the happiest married couple that I know.  Maybe it’s because there are a number of couples we know that are breaking up or maybe it’s because at my engagement party, my cousin and brother-in-law said, “Just wait a few years, you won’t think marriage is such a great idea”, which made me so determined to not end up like them.  Whatever the reason, it seems that we have something that many other couples don’t have.  That got me thinking about why our relationship is so successful while others are grumbling, some even in their first year of marriage.

What can go wrong?

When I look at the couples having difficulties, it seems to come down to two basic problems.

1. Expectations about what marriage is or what they think it should be.

2. How they problem solve when an issue comes up.

Let’s talk about the first issue, expectations of marriage.  One thing I’ve noticed is that while a couple is dating, they behave with a “dating mentality”.  They behave in a way that they think dating couples should behave, but once married, they go back to how they normally would behave or how they believe they should act within a marriage.  For example, the man may tolerate eating Asian food then once married, he will not tolerate eating Asian food even if that is what the couple had done the entire time they were dating.  The man may be generous during the dating phase and then once married, go back to his frugal ways.  Or, the woman may be surprised that once married, her husband isn’t as adventurous sexually but wants her to do all the cooking and cleaning, serve him meals and quit her job to have children because these are his expectations of what marriage looks like.  These types of behaviors can be shocking to a woman once they finally tie the knot.  She could say that she never saw it coming.  Then there could be other more serious issues around finances or child rearing.  A woman who enjoys shopping and has always had her own bank account may find that her husband doesn’t agree with how she spends money.  He may see her spending as excessive and a threat to their financial security, while she may not agree with being tied to a financial leash.  With children, it becomes more complex because our decisions can affect the child’s life-long wellbeing.  Of course the man can also be surprised that the woman doesn’t see eye to eye with him anymore and she may have changed her ways once married as well.

It seems to me that most couples don’t discover these issues until they begin to experience the problem.  By then, one issue affects a series of others, emotions escalate,  and things tend to snowball.  The couple is so overwhelmed that they can’t seem to pinpoint what the initial issue was that started the turmoil.  They may try to work it out or fight it out, but many times the basic issues are hidden beneath layers of other issues and emotions that it is hard to get to the bottom of it.

So what can you do to avoid this downward spiral?

The best thing to do is to start off the relationship right by understanding and really getting to know each others’ expectations of marriage.  Literally talk about everything that you can think of.  You can email me for a suggested list of things to consider at angeline@sensiblegirlfriend.com.

Once you’ve talked about everything you might encounter in marriage, if you and your spouse have different expectations, it will be easier to workout before you’re having the problem.  This might be a dose of reality for a couple that is not meant to be together.  If there are too many things that you cannot agree upon, it may be better to be honest with yourselves and call off the marriage before you get in even deeper.

If you are already married and have not addressed these issues, it may sound nearly impossible to change the dynamic that has already taken hold.  But consider the consequences of doing nothing– the longer you ignore the problems, the bigger the snowball and the negative consequences engulf your life even more.  You’ll slowly drift apart and end up acting like roommates more than husband and wife.  This is when a spouse will be attracted to someone who is supportive and seems to understand them… a nice friendship then can lead to an affair.

It’s important to realize that as in all relationships that endure over time, you may feel like you’re a match made in heaven at times and at other times you may not feel as connected.  Some people freak out when they are not feeling that total connection.  But if you realize this is a natural ebb and flow (if there are no glaring red flags to address) then you can relax and enjoy your marriage as it is at this moment.  The thing is, is that life changes and we change over the years, so we should expect our relationship to change and change again and change again whenever we are going through another phase of life.  Why are we so afraid of change?  Do we hang on to an unrealistic expectation to stay the same?    If we take it as a given that each person in the marriage is going to change over time and go through many changing phases, then we can expect it rather than be surprised by it.  For long-time married couples, just being open and flexible to renew your definition and expectations of marriage will open up new possibilities of building an even stronger bond.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that some couples constantly bicker.  As each fights for what they want, someone has to eventually give in.  There is a constant tug of war going on and someone always ends up feeling like a loser.  This creates an on-going battle with each trying to get something from the other to win.  To stop this cycle, you have to get on the same team.  With a team approach, both of you are working toward the same goal of making the team healthy and happy.  Everything you do is for the betterment of the team which means both your needs get met because both of you are doing whatever you can to support the other to make that happen.  Being a good team player means that all your actions are motivated by this mentality of taking care of the team.  So when my husband is out doing things, I know that it is to help the entire family in some way.  It takes away any feeling of doubt, jealousy, even resentment that one might have if he is out doing something just for himself, especially at the expense of the other.  Even when my husband goes out to surf or kite board, I know that he is being a good team player by taking care of his mental and physical health so that he has enough energy and good spirits to bring home to the family.

Another way to create a supportive team is what I call 80/80.  Instead of meeting your partner half way (50/50), if you give eighty percent and your spouse gives eighty percent, then each of you feels totally supported because your partner is going beyond just what is fair.  Instead of trying to get something from your partner, there is an overall feeling of giving from both sides.  When he feels your support, he will want to support you even more.  When you feel his support, your emotion/energy tank gets filled with love and energy that you in turn give back to the team.

Okay, so now that you have the tools to create a happy marriage, what happens when a problem does come up.

Here’s a scenario that happened between me and my husband to illustrate how we deal with issues. After our second child was born, things in our household became very intense dealing with two babies only fifteen months apart.  I was worn out and irritable all the time (which is so unlike my normal, happy self).  My husband felt maxed out working three jobs and coming home to a crying, chaotic household and a crabby, stressed out wife.  We found ourselves not enjoying our life anymore.  My husband started trying to find space from the stress by staying out after work.  He would call me from Home Depot or Lowes hardware store and ask if there was anything I needed from the store.  He was just wandering the isles and deep down feeling guilty for not wanting to come home.  We would look at each other knowing there was so much love there, but not feeling the joy anymore.  We knew this was not how we wanted to live life and we talked about what we could do.  In acknowledging  our true feelings, we realized that we both needed our own time for ourselves.  Once we figured out how to do that, a big cloud of tension disappeared.  My husband didn’t feel guilty anymore because I gave him “permission” to take time for himself after work to go read a book at the beach or go surfing.  And I felt so much better because he would come home happy, refreshed and ready to help me at home.  He helped me find time for myself by paying for a membership at the YMCA.  I could bring the children to the child-watch program and get a ninety minute workout for myself.  On tired days I might even read a book or listen to a CD while riding the recumbent bike.  This gave me the respite I needed and as an unexpected bonus I also gained more energy and lost weight from all the exercise.  My husband and I felt that we totally turned our life back around to that happy existence we were used to.

So what can you do when a problem comes up?

• First, keep in touch with your own emotions.  When you start to feel bad, that is a red flag telling you that you need to look at something that is not working for you.

• Check in with your spouse periodically.  Ask if there is anything that you can do differently to make each other happier.  Is there anything they can do to make you feel more supported or loved.

• Acknowledge your true feelings and your spouses true feelings.  Don’t ignore those red flags!

• Talk compassionately about how you see they might feel hurt, angry, unsupported, etc. in the current situation.

• Brainstorm together about how you might help each other resolve the problem.

• Talk about how you can support the other in what they are trying to achieve.

• Come to an agreement about the way that you can make these changes happen.

• After resolving the issue, talk again about how you see these changes have made a difference to your spouse.

If you do this whenever any issue comes up, it becomes easier and easier.  Even doing this with small things helps to resolve problems as they come up so that there is not a huge build-up of feelings around a bunch of problems.

Girlfriends, there are some other important things you need to know about men in general in order to keep your husband happy.  I will write about them in another blog post called: What Men Need From Their Wives.

Now that you know my secret recipe… go and create your happily forever after marriage!

Your Sensible Girlfriend,

Angeline

P.S. I also do know some very happily married couples, so if you are one of them, you can share what you think keeps your marriage happy.

I’ve heard this same complaint from many new moms and even a few new dads who admitted to me that he feels neglected now that the baby is born.  Yes, they are happy to have a baby, they say, but they just don’t feel like they get any attention from their wives anymore.  I sense a sheepishness as the man says this because he feels bad that she is tired all the time and he knows that she is doing the best she can to take care of the baby… but he’s at a loss because she had no energy left for him.  I suspect the man feels like he is between a rock and a hard place because he doesn’t feel that he has the right to complain.  When he hints at it or mentions feeling neglected, he knows that it makes is wife feel exasperated because she doesn’t know where she can come up with the energy or time to give to him and there seems to be no solution to work this situation out.

I’m here to tell you that there is a solution where everyone can feel loved, supported and taken care of.  There are a few things that you and your spouse have to realize and put into action for this to happen.

First, you both need to adopt the mindset that it is no longer all about you or me, it is about we.  What I mean is that everything you do is no longer just for yourself (which can work in a couples relationship) or for even just for you and the baby, but now every action needs to support and benefit the family team. For instance I wake up at 5:15am to make my husband breakfast– knowing that he is fully capable of doing it for himself, but if I do it, it makes him feel nurtured, well-fed and keeps him going at work which benefits the family as a whole. And then he will have the energy and motivation to support me by doing things that helps me and that ultimately serves the whole family.

Some couples start off, each focused on trying to get their needs met. When you come from that frame of mind, you are in “take” mode rather than “give” mode. You also set up a dynamic where each of you are sort of at odds trying to get what you can from the other… and in order to make each other happy, you have to compromise something that you feel makes you happy. With that dynamic, someone is always going to be somewhat unhappy. Some people say, “Well, I’m willing to give 50% if my spouse gives 50%.” What works better is if each of you wants to give 80%, then there is always an overlap of giving and everyone feels supported.

Thinking of yourselves as a team really helps. When we know everyone is pulling for the team, we don’t question the motivation of our spouse’s actions because we know it is to benefit the family somehow. That does mean also that you make sure to take care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally so that you can be a healthy team player. So for instance when my husband comes home, I don’t get upset if he needs some transition time before he can help me out or discuss something. And if he needs to take a nap, then I honor that because I know he is honoring his body to stay healthy. I also will let him know when I need some time to take care of myself… which brings up another important relationship dynamic.

Many women want/expect a man to instinctively know what they need/want. This expectation is unrealistic because men instinctively think like men, not like women. Therefore, it is unfair to expect a man to think like a woman which is what you are asking him to do (or be a clairvoyant and read your mind). The solution to this is to realize two things about your man… he wants to make you happy and he likes to win (at any game or anything he does). So why not make it a win-win situation and spell out for him what you want/need. He will be so happy that he doesn’t have to play guessing games (where he may lose) and risk the chance of making you unhappy. What is guaranteed to make it a lose-lose situation is if you expect him to think like a woman or read your mind which leads to the guessing game… and the more he guesses wrong, the more irritated and unhappy you become which makes it a lose-lose. For example, I tell my husband what I want for my birthday or Christmas. I’ll even cut out the magazine picture and tell him where he can buy it and how much it will cost. This is a big relief for him because he doesn’t have to search around and feel the pressure to be forced into buying something he is not even sure that I will like– again, he doesn’t want to lose and wants to make me happy. So yes, I lose the spontaneity or being surprised by the unknown gift. But to me, it is totally worth losing the surprise and instead have everyone feel like they’ve won.

So those are the main points that make up the foundation for a supported relationship. Now here’s where you can add the whipped cream and cherry on top–
Once you have those relationship dynamics in place, you will feel like you have more energy to give to each other. Then you can find things to do for each other that don’t take a lot of time or energy, but really make that person feel loved, nurtured and cherished. One thing I do for my husband every morning before I make him breakfast, is I give him a brief back rub and scalp massage. I know that it is something that he cannot do for himself and helps him to start his day off feeling loved and nurtured. And I also know that all of this will make him feel like he wants to support me in any way he can to make my life easier.

Another challenging thing is that happens after the baby is born, is that both of you feel under demand 24/7. If you were a couple for a length of time prior to having a baby, you were used to your relationship being a certain way with time for each other and time for yourself. It can be shocking for both of you to have to change the dynamic of your relationship and also lose your quiet time by yourself. Each of you may try to get some of that back which tugs at the relationship and can feel like a “tug of war”. Suddenly you realize you’re fighting when having a new baby is supposed to be such a happy, loving time of your life.

My husband and I may have had an easier time with this because we had not been a couple for very long before having a baby… but we still did feel the 24/7 pressure. We talked about this (fyi– I think it’s very important to lay things out to discuss in a non-blaming non-critical way to find a solution together) and we decided to give each other at least one day a week where the other person could feel care-free by not being responsible for the baby or the household for several hours. This can happen once the baby can either take a bottle or can go for hours between nursing times. (For us, our baby was around 8 or 9 months when my husband could take him and be without me for hours. If the baby can be bottle fed, it can be even earlier). We call these “free days”. With his free days, he might go to a movie, surf, kite board or just stay at home to relax. Doing things at the spur of the moment and just when you feel like it, is freeing.

As mothers, we have a harder time totally letting go, especially mentally. The thing you have to realize is that your child will be healthier with a mother that is happy and not stressed/worried, so letting go is actually a way of taking care of your child. Also you have to surrender to the way your husband takes care of your baby and realize that the child will survive if it is not done how you know is best. Your husband is self sufficient and will figure out his own way. If you respect his way of care-taking and realize that it makes your child more adaptable (just as long as the child is not in danger), then your husband will not feel second-guessed and probably will take more pride and initiative in taking care of your baby… which in turn helps you.

All this said, each family has its own set of dynamics and the two of you can decide together your team rules. Your team can look and act very different from mine and still be a winning team. The main thing is to start by getting on the same team and back each other up as team players. It might amaze you at how supporting and ready to help your husband becomes… and how supported, loved and nurtured you all feel. Good Luck, I’ll be routing for your team!

What Makes a Man Want to Get Married?

It’s a question a lot of women I know ask themselves over and over. Why am I not attracting a guy who wants to get married? If they have a certain guy in mind they wonder, “What is he looking for?” or “How can I get him to marry me?” or “Why hasn’t he asked me to get married?” They don’t know what it is that compels a man to marry but they suspect it is something they can influence.

Some of us try being sexy, fun and playful thinking that a man will be lured in and want to stay. Some of us try to be indispensable, nurturing him so well that he’ll want you in his life indefinitely. Whatever way you’ve played it, most of us will try everything we can to be what we think he wants us to be.

And that’s the thing, we women get caught up in “what can I do to make him love me?” (consciously or subconsciously) And the underlying thought behind that is “what’s not right with me.” We’ll talk more about that later.

So once we try our hardest to get him to love us (aka marry us) and it doesn’t work, we end up thinking he’s just a jerk or he can’t commit. Then several guys later, we tend to think there are just a bunch of jerks or commitment-phobes out there. But then… sometimes shockingly, he marries the next girl. We wonder “what didn’t I do right and/or what does she have that I don’t.” Then eventually you’re saying to yourself, “what’s wrong with me?”

If you look at married women, they’re usually not what you’d think of as the perfect woman. You wonder how is it that some of them got their husbands to marry them.
And that’s just it. Many of these women didn’t “get” their husbands to marry them. The men chose to marry these women.

So who do men choose to marry?

Alison Armstrong, the creator of “Understanding Men” seminars says that men marry their wives. And she’s right. But what does that mean?

Men will be attracted to and want to date the sexy, playful “Temptress” type. And men will hang out and live for years with the nurturing “Mother” types or a combination of the two. These qualities are important in attracting a man and in sustaining a relationship… but who men will want to marry is a woman that inspires them and feels like their “Queen”.

What does a Queen look like?

This woman will be able to run his castle, hold down the fort when he’s away and watch his back. She has the confidence of a queen, a clear vision of who she is and how to be in command of their realm. She feels like his rock. This is what inspires the man and makes him feel like he can be king of his kingdom.

Men recognize whether a woman is their queen (or not) fairly quickly. It doesn’t take long and then they can’t wait to get married. Armstrong says instinctively after nine months, a woman is usually disappointed if he hasn’t popped the question, but she’ll keep hoping holiday after holiday, year after year that it’ll happen. Not coincidentally, it takes nine months to create a baby… and it doesn’t take much longer for a man to know whether you’re it or not.

The key thing is that a man has to see you as his wife (his queen) and must must must feel inspired to want to marry you.

So how do I become this inspiring Queen?

One of the most important qualities in the queen is confidence.
And one thing I’ve heard out of the mouths of men in Armstrong’s seminars is that probably the most attractive attribute is a woman’s confidence.
It’s an inner confidence that he’s talking about– knowing who she is, holding herself in high regard and being comfortable in her own skin.

How can I show a man that kind of confidence?

If you are with a man and you’re saying to yourself (consciously or subconsciously) “what’s not right with me?” he will see it. Inner confidence starts with loving and accepting yourself and all that you are. If you feel valuable and worthy with or without him, he will sense this. If you honor and respect yourself, he will see that.

Inner confidence allows a woman to be real, to show her real self.
In Armstrong’s seminars, men also said they are attracted to genuine women. A man can smell fakeness a mile away—so that means he can tell if you are trying to be something you are not in order to attract him! Self-acceptance actually allows you to truly be yourself.

So you’re saying if I truly love and accept myself so will a man?

Yes, it’s more likely to happen than not. Why? Because it’s easy to fall in love with someone who loves themselves. If he can see what you love about yourself, you make it easy for him to fall in love. And more importantly, if you are truly being yourself around him he can clearly see if you are his queen. If you fit his personal definition of his queen, then a man will feel inspired to make you a permanent fixture in his life. (If you don’t fit his idea of his wife, he may hang out for years, even decades, but not feel inspired to marry.)

Armstrong also says attracting a man and creating a lasting, happy marriage requires more than just being his queen.
A “Queen” can rule his world, but you will keep him happy and interested if you’re also a little bit of the nurturing “Mother” and the playful “Temptress”.

What if I truly feel confident and I love and accept myself, but I’m still not attracting “the marrying man”?

If you have the self-accepting inner confidence of the “Queen”, but not the playful, flirty “Temptress and the nurturing “Mother” side showing, then a man may not see the balance that he needs in a wife. Not only do men crave those feminine sides of us, but those aspects fulfill other sides of who we really are as women. Expressing all three is fulfilling and rewarding to both ourselves and our men (or the man you want to attract).

And if you’re in a relationship that hasn’t led to marriage, there may be something there you need in order to learn to be “Queenly” and to be ready for your king.

START BY LOVING AND ACCEPTING ALL THAT YOU ARE. AND WHEN YOU MEET HIM, LIVE UNAPPOLOGETICALLY BY FULLY BEING YOURSELF! THE RIGHT MAN WILL SEE YOU AS HIS QUEEN.

Angeline Chew-Longshore is a television news and print journalist specializing in wellness, personal growth, sexuality and women’s issues.

© 2006 Angeline Chew-Longshore