A mother’s intuition is an astonishing phenomenon. Against all statistics, against all odds, against knowledgeable, expert advice, a mother can know what is best for her child. Elizabeth Davis, author of Orgasmic Birth calls it the “mother-mind, a highly intuitive way of thinking”.   I’ve learned to, above all, listen to it- what I call this wisdom of the heart, especially when it comes to parenting or the health of my children.

Before having children,  I wasn’t always this tuned in.  I used to be ruled by my thoughts. My mind told me to take jobs that were not good for me, stay in relationships that were no longer healthy, and make choices that were swayed by doubt and fear.  I would think things out in  my head, analyze a situation, make lists taking into account all the pluses and minuses and make decisions from there.  This is called thinking with your head.  This kind of thinking built me a life that sounded good and looked good on paper (I was a television producer living a Beverly Hills lifestyle full of shopping on Rodeo Drive, getting spa treatments and going to all the hot spots in town)… But deep down I knew there was a life more satisfying than this.  And I found it by learning to “think” or listen to my heart’s wisdom.  The  heart has a way of pushing aside the fears, doubt and wishful thinking to allow you to see a perspective that is the most true for you… And that ultimately leads to a fulfilling life.

The Institute of HeartMath in Boulder Creek, California has produced scientific evidence to backup the “intelligent heart” theory. Research has shown that the heart is more than just a pump.  Similar to the brain, it actually communicates with the body!  Neurologically, the heart sends messages to the brain.  It also sends energy through the pulse as a blood pressure wave.   Biochemically, it releases a chemical which blocks stress hormones.   Electromagnetically, it produces an electric signal that can be picked up anywhere on the body as well as the space around us (this space is called your aura).

The founders of HeartMath agree, if we tune in to our hearts, it helps us to make better decisions, to give balance to our emotions and thoughts, and is the key to a fulfilling life.

So how can you tune into your heart?

My technique is to be very quiet and still.  I focus on my heart while I ask a question or feel out a situation.  The key is to feel for the answer in your heart rather than to search with your mind.  Your mind may try to influence with doubt or wanting, but if you truly tune into the higher wisdom of your heart, the truth will reveal itself.  Your job is to listen.

The HeartMath people have other helpful techniques.

Excerpt From care2.com:

Step 1. Notice and admit what you are feeling.

To gain more insight about your emotions, you will need to become more aware of what you are feeling. Noticing and admitting what you are feeling requires slowing down and taking stock. Periodically, throughout the day simply pause and notice how you feel. It takes only a few seconds to ask, “What am I feeling right now?”

Step 2. Try to name the feeling.

Simply by naming the feeling to yourself, whatever it is — worry, anxiety, frustration, hurt, resistance or even a vague disturbance — will help you admit what you are feeling. Being honest about naming what you are feeling helps regulate your emotional energy, slowing down the emotional energy running through your system and giving you more power.

Step 3. Tell yourself to ease…as you gently focus in your heart, relax as you breathe and e-a-s-e the stress out.

As you tell yourself to ease in your heart, relax and ease the stressful emotion out, feel as if the unwanted emotion is leaving your system. Don’t force it out; ease it out. Befriend the reaction by holding it in your heart, then let the feeling ease out of your system.

Use the Notice and Ease Tool for one minute often throughout your day. Keep using the Notice and Ease™ Tool for one minute or longer, until you feel something lighten up, even if you don’t get an immediate, complete release. Quite often you can experience so many feelings within just five minutes. Don’t let this confuse you. Don’t even try to figure out why. Just keep practicing the Notice and Ease™ tool until your energies come back in balance. Then listen to the intuitive guidance of your heart on what to do next.

or to learn more go to http://www.heartmath.org/

This Valentines Day take the opportunity to begin to listen to your heart.  It is the most loving gift you can give to yourself and your family.

Wishing you a heart-lead life and a very happy Valentines Day,

Your Sensible Girlfriend

I’ll admit it, I am a recovering hoarder. I inherited my pack-rat nature from both my parents who saw value in every piece of scrap they came across. I learned to be a “maybe we will need this someday” kind of person, a “be prepared for anything” kind of person, so learning how to let go of things has not been easy.

Kitchen Area- "After"

Cluttered Refrigerator & Counter Tops- "Before"

That all changed after reading a book called Simplicity Parenting. When I learned that my children would be better behaved just by de-cluttering, I was willing to try it. The theory is that clutter adds to overstimulation which when combined with other factors (being tired, hungry, emotionally out of sorts, etc.) a child is more likely to misbehave.

I had a chance to test this theory. We were going on vacation, so in order to sublet our home, we removed all child-related things and personal items (eliminating a lot of clutter). When we returned, we kept out the few toys my boys had from their suitcases. I also added some rocks and drift wood from the beach to give them something to build with. To my amazement, my children were calmer, more peaceful and happier! There were no longer piles of toys to scatter and step over. Their play became more creative out of sheer necessity. To my surprise, they didn’t complain about having fewer toys. They were actually happier with less! Imagine that! Another huge benefit was that my husband was noticeably happier with less clutter and living with happier kids.

Here’s the science behind why this works. Our bodies produce a stress hormone called cortisol when we are overstimulated. Clutter reads like chaos/stress to our senses. So when the clutter is removed, our brain and bodies can relax. When surrounded by clutter (or noise or anything continually irritating) there is a constant flow of cortisol in our system. This is like putting your children in PMS mode, so the slightest thing will more easily set them off.

Playroom "After"

Another “wow” that I got from Simplicity Parenting was the idea that space is a precious commodity. Empty space is often worth more than the item taking up that space. Weigh the value of being calmer and happier against the usefulness of that item. Does that change anything for you? It was a huge paradigm shift for me!

Desk Area "De-Cluttered"

Where to start?
• Start small. Choose one area such as your children’s toys, your bathroom counter or your desk.

• Eliminate the obvious, eliminate another time, and then a third time with the idea of space as a commodity and the prospect of happier children.

• Fellow hoarders: It is okay to put things that you use often hidden away in a cupboard.  You don’t need to see it to know that it is there, especially if you use it every day.  If you need a reminder, you can make a “what is in this cupboard” list taped inside your cupboard if you must.

• Empty space is good.  Empty space actually calms our visual senses.

• Try to make surfaces of tables and counters as bare as you can.

• Donate what you have eliminated to a charity or gift the items to friends who would appreciate it.

Here are some helpful visuals:

Organize Your Clutter- My Children's "Art Cupboard"

(Below is a homemade curtain stuck on with “stick-on” velcro)

Hide Clutter Behind A Curtain!

No Cupboard Space? Appliances Can Be Hidden Under A Tablecloth!

Hidden Appliances- "After"

"Good Stuff" Going To Donation Center

It’s a New Year’s resolution worth following through on. My family is definitely more peaceful for it.

Wishing You A Peaceful, Joyful New Year!

Your Sensible Girlfriend

I have a mom friend who was wondering why she feels like she is always hurrying her children, even when they are “supposed to be enjoying life“. She writes about it in her blog post called “Why is it so hard for me to let my kids enjoy life at their own pace”.

http://jennifermargulis.net/blog/2011/08/why-is-it-so-hard-for-me-to-let-my-kids-enjoy-life-at-their-own-pace/

She asked for advice on “how to slow down and let her kids just be kids”.

To answer her, I shared the story of my own struggles of doing too much and learning to slow down. Here’s my story:

I am the type of person who likes to be “productive”. I like to set goals or plan the “big picture” of how things are going to go (whether an event like a birthday party, play group time or even every day life). And as a former television producer, I am used to coming up with an idea and then making it happen. So naturally, all of these traits slid right into the way I parent. I thought I knew what was best for my children and I went to great lengths to create fun/educational/sensory stimulating times for my kids. (I created and lead a weekly playgroup starting when my oldest son was 5 months old. We did music play days, art play days, movement/dance days. We also went on group excursions involving nature and/or animals.)

I often went for the “wow factor” trying to do things that would make our kids either say or think, “wow!”

I thought all these “personality traits” were a plus to being a “good parent”. And all the parents thought all these activities we great. But I started to sense something just wasn’t right, kind of like when you see (or feel really) a red flag in a romantic relationship and although you are not conscious of it all the time, it nags at you in the background of your daily life.

People always said, “wow, you do so much”, and I took it as a compliment. But at the same time, my children did not seem peaceful and happy.

And although I knew this was partly circumstance from trauma after the birth of my second son, I deep down knew that I was doing something wrong. I scoured articles on Waldorf-inspired parenting and kept reading similar advice to slow down, but I did not know what that really meant. It wasn’t in my personality or temperamental make up to do that. Honestly, I just didn’t know how. I tried by starting to do less. It helped a little, but I still sensed that there was another component to this that I was missing. I finally clicked when I read the book Simplicity Parenting. We were already on board with the most of the author’s advice of no electronic or plastic toys and I had already pared down their toy collection to three shelves. I also had already de-cluttered my house (based on his suggestion). We were already a TV-free house and limited their exposure to the adult world. So what really made the difference was this: the author basically said that we often are trying to “do something” to give our children a memorable childhood, but what makes the best memories are the rituals and traditions that we create in their daily lives and (even more importantly) the moments where we are doing “nothing”– that is when the magic happens (and my interpretations is that that is where they have the space to really feel our love, which is what they most crave).

In those “nothing” spaces, there is time for silliness, creative brainstorming together for projects, random storytelling, and sometimes even my four year old will feel like it is a good time to talk about what he is feeling deep inside.

Today (at the time of writing this) he said with a giant smile on his face “I am so happy. I am just so happy!” That tells me that I am doing something right and these changes I’ve made are working.

So how did I slow down? I did not only plan less in a day, but I stopped focusing on the things that we “had to do”. And I allowed myself to mentally and energetically meander through these spaces in the day where we didn’t have to be anywhere or do anything in particular. After I stopped leading a “Waldorf-style” playgroup and personal chefing, my husband said, “you don’t really need to do anything.” He helped me to break it down to just the essentials and see that everything else is an extra, by choice. I realized that we don’t really have to do anything except for eat, sleep, stay clean and do household chores, but I do keep with a daily rhythm and rituals. When I stopped focusing on “doing”, it was easier to just “be”. And this affects children so strongly because they are energetically so sensitive.

My kids (like all kids) can tell when my focus is somewhere else (like the computer or on a future project/event). If you can just be present with a child in this way, this is like spiritual food for their soul. This is more nourishing and longer lasting than any “wow” you can try to create.

Doing this also meant that I had to drop my “productive”, “professional working woman mode” and in a sense, my ego. To my surprise and also some relief, this was not about me and “what kind of a mother I am”. I think sometimes we, especially successful working women, tend to take on mothering as we do our profession. We see ourselves and our job as a mother in a certain way and we do what it takes to fulfill that vision. And fulfilling that vision in our minds equals success. And me being the “big picture” thinker, I saw myself and my family in this certain picture and I tried to “produce” this “project” just as I would produce a television show. That drove me to do those “wow” things that I thought my kids would like and what I thought would be good for them with this certain vision in mind.

Now I see that I was not making room for who they are. I was not making space for their soul to blossom and unfold. I was trying to entertain them and to educate them, but now they entertain themselves and learn through just plain old living. Now with the time to meander, be silly and just be, it allows their true self to unfold freely (almost gives them permission). And now I really pay attention to the signs to see if what we are doing is “feeding their soul” or not.

I now see that sometimes we hurry our children to do or see what we think is the “best part of life”, sometimes based on what we may have wanted as children. That is why we try to entertain them filling their life with those “wow” moments to things that we think are cool– rushing them out of the house to “have fun” at community festivals or classes to enhance their education or development, etc… when all they want to do is stay home and pretend play with the empty cardboard box.

And as my friend Jennifer reflected on, when her child opened a birthday present, Jennifer tried to direct her daughter’s attention to the beautifully hand painted wooden blocks when all the girl wanted was to play with the pretty ribbons. We adults want our kids to focus on what we think is important, but many times our children get caught up in something they are interested in (which can be a discovery/learning opportunity.) And who are we to say that those pretty ribbons are not as cool as those wooden blocks. The little girl loved them so much that she brought them to bed that night.

I am still wary of falling back into my old ways of parenting. It seems ironic, but it is harder just to “be” than it is to “do”. It is so easy to slip into our activity-filled, entertaiment-filled, information-filled society and hard to “protect” our kids from too much of it. Funny, I have to give myself permission to “do nothing.” But there is proof in my son bubbling over with so much happiness, that I am doing exactly what he needs. I hope this will help keep me on track.

And I hope in today’s world of the endless amounts of “wow” things out there to do, you can learn from my experience and just “be” with your children. Ask yourself with every activity, “is this going to light up their heart and nourish their soul? Or “am I just trying to entertain them?”

Allow space for them to meander through life. Every kid should be able to have that “happy-go-lucky” existence… and they can, if we would just allow it.

Giving Myself Permission To Just “Be”,
Your Sensible Girlfriend

I recently went from a size extra large to a size small in about 4 or 5 months, and a lot of people have been asking me how I lost the weight.  Some of them are men, some single women, some older, some younger, some are moms wanting to get rid of postpartum weight and some are still breastfeeding.  Many of them try to eat right and exercise.  Yet all of them are dealing with the same frustration– they can’t seem to shed the pounds.  After a while these people may start to think that they just don’t have the type of body or physical make up that will shed the weight like other people who are trim.  But I believe it is a simple combination of factors that can either prevent or assist someone in losing weight.  (FYI– I grew from my original size small to extra large after birthing 3 babies) (Some or all of this may not apply to: anyone who has health issues or disease, children, teenagers, the elderly, pregnant women, menopausal women, or other conditions I may not be aware of or can think of at the moment.)

Here’s my theory based on observations, things I’ve read over the years and my experience of being heavy and trim in different times of my life… 

It basically comes down to two things– happiness and whole foods.

We’ll talk about whole foods in just a bit, but first, let’s look at what happiness has to do with losing weight.

Happiness = weight loss. This is probably the first time you’ve even entertained the idea of the two being interrelated.  It is not part of any diet program that I’ve heard of and I have no scientific proof to back this up, but I’ve witnessed this over and over to be true.  Here’s why I believe happiness or being joyful helps you to lose weight.

I’ve noticed that many people who have a hard time losing weight think of exercise and weight loss as a struggle. They take it on as a battle that they have to fight.  When they exercise, even if it is with determination, in their minds they think of it as hard work or something they dread.  What happens in the mind is a mental fight.  One side is saying, “come on fatty, chunky-o, blubber or (other hurtful name), get to work on this!  You look (insert hurtful adjective)!  How can you walk around like this?  Doesn’t it make you feel (insert shameful adjective)?  This self scolding may make a person go out and do something toward losing weight, but think about it… is scolding the best way to motivate a person?  Even if someone wants to lose weight, they won’t feel energized and motivated by this internal criticism.  This internal criticism is like a monkey on your back.  It’s always there to scold and ironically we think this monkey is being helpful, when actually the monkey is weighing you down.  This negative energy (monkey) literally creates a heaviness in the body.  It acts like a magnetic force making your body hang on to this extra weight.

You say, so what does this have to do with happiness?  Hold on, I’m getting to that..

Instead of struggling while trying to lose weight, I believe if you are doing things that make you happy, the weight will come off. Yes, you do need to exercise (consistently).  But if you choose something that you enjoy, that makes you feel exhilarated and free, I believe those positive energy endorphins send a message to your body’s systems to flow as they should.  This allows your body to release the fat… as opposed to when you are stressed or depressed which raises your cortisol levels (stress hormones) which tells your body  that you are in survival mode… which gives your body a reason to horde the fat.  Happy = weight loss.  Stress = keep on the weight.

During the times where I was heavy and couldn’t shake the weight, I would work out hard (again, creating struggle) doing things I didn’t really enjoy– aerobic classes, riding a stationary bike, military style boot camp exercise.  I would look at my body with disgust and the negative self talk would anchor the fat even deeper and seemed to slow my metabolism.   I was also either sad, depressed or not letting go of something in my life that wasn’t working for me. 

I think the fact that I was unhappy lead me to do exercise that felt like a punishment, affirming my unhappy state, causing a self perpetuating fat inducing downward spiral that never ended until I addressed what was making me unhappy. {I also believe that unhappiness creates a chemical reaction in the body causing your metabolism to slow down.}  When I was able to look into what was making me unhappy and let go of it, not coincidentally I got into yoga, mountain bike riding and rock climbing– activities that made me feel happy, feel free and exhilarated and again, not by coincidence, I lost weight.

My latest weight loss experience, proved my theory again. Normally I am a very happy person, but I had just been through a traumatic birth experience which deeply affected my one and a half year old son.  My daily life was highly stressful with every second of the day trying to stop my toddler from attacking the newborn baby (and any other children in his presence) in addition to the usual daily needs of a toddler and a newborn.  Just thinking about that time now gives me a heavy feeling.  On the advice of a couple of other moms, I joined the YMCA, not necessarily for the exercise, but more because they have a child-watch program.  I could get 90 minutes of time to myself and take a breather from every stress-filled day.  I started doing “zumba” (a sexy latin dance aerobics class) and swimming.  And around the same time a friend of mine started a surf moms club and I learned to surf while the other moms watched my children and vice-versa.  The zumba, the swimming and the surfing were all activities I loved and made me feel free.  There were days I didn’t feel up to working out hard so I would read a book or listen to a lecture on CD while riding the recumbent bike.  But most of the time I felt so exhilarated by the fun activities that I couldn’t wait to get to it and experience my minutes of freedom.  This is partly how I went from size XL to small.

Here’s another example of what I’m talking about. Almost every day I see a man and three ladies walking up and down a very steep hill leading up to my neighborhood.  They are quite dedicated to working out.  They’ve chosen a very difficult hill to climb.  There is no sidewalk, so they have to work hard to avoid cars.  They also probably feel like they are “really working out” because they always walk during the hottest hour of the day.  I give them kudos for trying to do the right thing.  They have been doing this since I was pregnant and are still doing it today which means it has been more than a year, maybe even a year and a half.  They all look about the same as they did when I first noticed them walking in my neighborhood which means none of them have lost any significant amount of weight.  I feel very bad for them because they are expending so much energy and so dedicated to it.  But I think the problem is that they see this as hard work and each of them is carrying that negative energy monkey on their back that keeps the weight on (unless they have a disease or condition that affects their weight).  I believe the solution to their weight loss problem would be to find some activity that they don’t see as hard work.  This would automatically change the negative speech going on in their heads because they would become focused on how much fun they are having.  They would also be feeling the “happy” endorphins in their body, and like a drug addict, they will quickly be jonesing for more.  The happy, fun feeling mixed with the endorphins is a perfect cocktail to motivate a person of any weight to want to exercise again and again.

Eating “Right”

Okay, so if you’ve found your “happy exercise”… good, now let’s talk about what you’re eating.  I believe, this is where a lot of people get lost.  They think they are eating “healthy” food or “diet” foods so they assume that plus exercise will guarantee they lose weight.  But for some reason they can’t figure out why the weight is still hanging on to them.  What are they doing wrong?  It’s simple.  Forget all the “diets” including “low fat”, “low carb”, and calorie counting.  When you are “successfully dieting”, all of those things feel like a punishment which does not help according to my happiness theory of losing weight.  It actually sets you up for a cycle of failure because you might see some results at first, but then, you won’t be able to eat this way forever and on top of that, you’re building that negative energy each time you feel you’re being deprived.

So you ask, what is really healthy and what do you eat to lose weight? Personally I don’t eat to lose weight.  Instead, I eat to nourish my body and to have a pleasurable experience through eating (again, creating happiness).  I like to enjoy the entire experience– the look, the taste, the texture, the colors of the food, the table setting and even the ambiance of the room.  But besides enjoying my food, the actual foods I put into my body make a difference in how easily I can burn off the extra weight. 

Higher quality whole foods in the body are like a high quality gasoline in a car.  The body burns the high quality food more efficiently and the result is more energy and less waste left over to turn into body fat.

What are high quality whole foods you ask?  Foods that have not been modified or processed.  Think back to the days when people ate what they had on the farm.  People in small villages traded milk for bread or cheese for eggs.  People made fresh food from scratch.  They used salt, pepper, spices, animal fat, cream and butter to flavor their foods.  They pickled and jarred fruits and vegetables to preserve them for when they were out of season.  There were no processed, packaged foods with chemical preservatives, pesticide sprayed foods, genetically modified foods, man-made products like high fructose corn syrup, white bleached flour… or even white sugar!  Hold-on, I am not saying that you need to grow your own foods and make everything from scratch.  I certainly don’t.  But if you can chose what would be closest to what people ate back in the day, those foods are the high quality whole foods I’m talking about that help a body run more efficiently.

What is also important is to eat a variety of foods. What do I mean by variety?  Before I was married, I met a guy on match.com who told me he ate very healthily.  When I asked him what he typically ate, he said chicken.  I said, “just chicken?”   He said, “no I eat a lot of different things– chicken ceasar salad, grilled chicken burgers, chicken tacos…”  While he was searching his mind for more, I decided he wasn’t the right guy for me.  He was totally sure that he was doing the right thing for his health by only eating chicken.   But his interpretation of variety was not the same as mine.

Here’s what I try to eat:

(if you don’t care to know how and why, just read the bold text and skip down to the end of my menu of foods)

A variety of whole grains– multi-grain bread (whole wheat, barley, …) whole wheat pasta, spelt flour (for baking), brown rice, oats.  (I do eat white rice and white flour on occasion, but I try to keep it to a minimum).  FYI, when you’re buying bread or any kind of grain know that whole wheat (or whole grain) is different than wheat or that grain listed without the word “whole” in front of it.  Whole means that the grain has not been refined.  That means you’re eating all of the grain as it was meant to be eaten.  Important Fact: When foods are refined and not eaten in their whole natural state, you lose important elements that help the body to digest and assimilate nutrients.  That’s why whole foods help you to lose weight! It makes sense, doesn’t it?  But somewhere along the way, someone thought refined foods were finer, maybe for the elite.  That doesn’t make them healthier… and I’m sure you’ve heard of elite men dying of heart attacks, diabetes and strokes.

A rainbow-colored variety of vegetables– Eating different colored vegetables will give your body a variety of vitamins and nutrients naturally keeping you healthy.  For example, red veggies provide a powerful antioxidant called lycopene.  White vegetables like onion, garlic, leeks contain allicin which studies show to help lower cholesterol, blood pressure and fight infections.  Orange and yellow veggies provide vitamin C, folate, and an immune boosting, antioxidant called beta-carotene.  Blue foods with anthocyanins can help reduce the risk of cancers, strokes and heart disease.  We all have heard that eating green veggies is good for you and it’s true.  They can help combat cancers and vision problems.

Oils and Fats– olive oil, grapeseed oil, coconut oil, sesame oil, flax oil, chicken fat, duck fat, pork fat, beef fat, and lots of butter. According to Sally Fallon, author of Nourishing Traditions, most people benefit from more fat in their diet than less, especially infants and growing children.  It is really important to eat oils and fats, not only to keep your hair and skin looking shiny, but eating the right oils can also help your body function properly.  Stay away from all processed foods with hydrogenated fats and polyunsaturated oils.   The most healthful way to eat oil is to add it on top of food, like a condiment to add flavoring and a slippery texture to your food.   But eat with moderation because even too much olive oil can be bad for your health.  Heating certain oils can change it’s molecular structure so that an oil that is healthy at room temperature can become unhealthy when heated to high temperatures.  If I am searing meat or stir-frying, I use grapeseed oil or coconut oil (or animal fat) which can withstand high heat. I stay away from canola oil because it turns rancid easily, depletes vitamin E and is said to create heart lesions.  I try to stay away from safflower, corn, sunflower, soybean and cottonseed oils because they contain an excessive amount of omega-6 that can be bad for your health.  Animal fats contain saturated fat which is said to be the enemy when trying to be healthy, but according to research mentioned in Fallon’s book, saturated fat actually is necessary for healthy cell membranes, bones, liver, heart, digestive tract and helps our body in many other ways.  I cook with duck fat, pork fat, chicken fat and beef fat…. and I also use a lot of butter. I know this goes against all you’ve heard, but it actually does help your body to run better, so you will lose weight.  My sister who normally eats a low-fat diet at home, stayed at my house for a month and lost weight eating the way that I eat.  Not only that, her skin looked more supple than in usually does.  Besides that, lard is an excellent source of vitamin D, a vitamin that has been touted to boost your immune system and even prevent cancer.  Of course, everything in moderation.

Protein– Eggs, Chicken, Turkey, Duck, Fish, Beef, Pork, Nutritional Yeast, Nut Butters. My family eats a lot of eggs.  Organic eggs have more nutrients, so we try to eat organic.  Eggs are such a complete food and our body actually needs cholesterol for healthy cell membranes, for good digestion, to produce vitamin D, and get this– cholesterol is necessary to produce serotonin which is the “feel-good” chemical in the brain (creating happy weight loss).  Low cholesterol levels have actually been linked to violent behavior, depression and suicidal tendencies.  I buy hormone-free, anti-biotic-free meat and chicken because I don’t want the chicken or cow’s hormones and drugs affecting my families health.  I am the type of person who needs to eat animal protein or eggs every day.  I have tried a day here and there to eat no animal protein and I get light headed and can’t focus.  I think beans are a great thing, but my system doesn’t do well with them, so they’re not on my list.  My husband’s digestion can’t tolerate tofu, so we don’t eat it.  I usually will eat protein twice a day (including dairy and nut butters).

Here’s some important info from Fallon’s book that backs up our need for animal protein, especially if you want to understand why we need animal protein:

The protein that is important for the brain, the nervous system, for the formation of hormones (hormones regulate our metabolism), and other things like blood clotting and making breast milk are most plentiful is eggs and meat.  All proteins are combinations of 22 amino acids, eight of those are “essential” which the human body cannot make.  When the essential amino acids are in our diet, our body can usually build the other nonessential amino acids, but if just one amino acid is missing, the body cannot synthesize the other proteins it needs even if your overall protein intake is high (like beans, legumes and tofu).  Animal fats are our only sources of vitamins A and D.  Protein and fats occur together in eggs, milk, fish and meat and should be eaten together because our bodies need animal fat to assimilate protein.  Protein powders often consumed in a lowfat diet can deplete vitamin A and D reserves and calcium because the protein isolates are obtained by a high temperature process which denatures the protein. (This info was paraphrased from Fallon’s book)

Dairy– Milk, Cheese, Yogurt.

I love dairy foods.  I could eat cheese, cream, cream cheese, yogurt, buttermilk, ice cream and any dairy product for every meal and snack.  I don’t just so I can eat more variety of foods, but I do eat dairy a lot.  Because there is a good amount of fat in dairy foods, I find it keeps me satisfied for long periods of time.  I sprinkle cheese on top of pasta and salads.  I cook dairy into foods.  And I eat cheese or yogurt as a snack nearly every day.

Important note: When buying dairy products, it is important to buy hormone-free, antibiotic-free milk. Since weight loss is also regulated by our hormones (affecting our metabolism), don’t you think putting cow’s hormones into our system could make your metabolism work more like a cow?  Scary, bad image!  Taking in antibiotics through cow milk products can also affect your health over time.  If possible, look for organic milk products– which means the cow ate grasses and grains without pesticides.

Fruit: Whatever is in season; Just one serving a day.

Most people think of fruit and fruit juice as a healthy thing to eat, but that may encourage people to eat too much.  When fruit is broken down, the body uses the sugar and the fiber.  So if you only drink the juice, you are getting an abundance of the sugar without the fiber (that’s why I don’t give my children juice as regular part of their diet) .  When you eat the whole fruit, your body uses energy to digest the fiber– that means you actually burn some of the calories you just ate.  My mom loves fruit.  I think she sees it as an all-you-can-eat type of deal because she thinks of fruit as healthy.  The funny thing is, is that she won’t eat a lot of sugar, but she will chow down on a whole plate of fruit at one sitting.  Basically she is eating a whole plate of sugar.  I suspect that this affects her insulin levels (which affects metabolism).  She tries really hard to diet and exercise all the time, but is not able to shake the weight.  This could have something to do with it.

Sweeteners– Maple Syrup, Honey, Molasses, Sucanat, Agave, Brown Sugar, White Sugar.

Breast milk is the most nutritious food and it is sweet, so that gives me reason to believe we are meant to eat sweets.  I don’t have a huge sweet tooth, but I do like to eat some sweets.  I sweeten my families’ oatmeal with maple syrup, honey or molasses.  It makes sense to me that sweeteners made by nature would have more vitamins and minerals.  I bake a lot and I like using sucanat (although I use all of the sweeteners above).  Sucanat looks and tastes a little like brown sugar, maybe a little heavier in flavor.  It’s a basically sugar cane juice dried into crystals which keeps the molasses content and has the highest nutritional value of all sugars made from sugar cane.  I am adamant about not using corn syrup or eating anything made with high fructose corn syrup.  I think high fructose corn syrup (which is in almost all processed foods) is why Americans are obese, especially children.  It seems to affect my body worse than just regular white sugar.  I accidentally tested out this theory when my husband and I fell into a short stint of eating Costco hot dogs a couple times a week which come with a free soda.  After a month my body ballooned up and got pudgy from the high fructose corn syrup in the soda.  If I were to eat sugar twice a week for a month, it wouldn’t affect me that quickly and that drastically.  So I definitely stay away from all foods with high fructose corn syrup.

Desserts– Cookies, Cakes, Pies, Muffins, Chocolate, Anything Homemade, Rarely Store-bought.  Whenever I have the urge, I eat whatever satisfies my craving

I don’t believe in denying myself.  It goes against my weight loss theory based on happiness.  I also think that if you are craving a specific food, your body probably is telling you something and you should listen.  I’ve noticed whenever I did not give into my cravings right away, I would not be able to get that craving out of my system and I’d be pining away for hours or days… and then eventually I’d have to eat it to make that craving go away– those were in my overweight days.  I noticed in my slimmer days that giving in to my cravings right away, not only made me happy and satisfied me, but it didn’t make a difference in my weight.

When and How Often You Eat

One of my sisters eats one meal a day of just vegetables and rice.  She is not thin, but she thinks this will help to make her a thin as she can be.  On the other hand, I eat when my children eat which is literally every couple of hours.  I actually get hungry every two to three hours, so I eat starting at six in the morning and my last meal I try to have around six in the evening.  I think eating often keeps my metabolism burning whereas my sister’s metabolism acts like a camel’s.  It stores up the little that she eats because it thinks she is in survival mode and that actually slows down her metabolism.  I’ve found that eating too late makes me gain weight too.  It’s hard to get dinner on the table by six pm especially with two children to take care of… so for about a month, I let things slide.  My husband and I started eating dinner later and later and I gained eight pounds in a month’s time. So eat early and often.

So to Recap My Simple Formula For Losing Weight:

• Do what makes you happy

• Only do exercise that feels like fun, but do it consistently

• Stop the internal mental criticism and replace it with activities that make you feel exhilarated and free

• If you still can’t shake the weight off, look at your life and assess what is like a “ball and chain” or “heavy” or making you sad and get rid of it.

• Eat quality whole foods

• Eat a variety of foods

• Eat early and often

If you follow this formula, I can’t guarantee you’ll lose weight, but I can guarantee you will be happier and healthier.

Happy Eating,

Your Sensible Girlfriend

[Photo Credit: NASA; the Gulf oil spill April 29, shortly after the April 20 explosion.]

As a parent, we want to protect and shield our children from the horrors and disasters of the world. But the reality is that we live in a world where bad things happen.  Take for instance, the recent oil spew in the gulf which is a devistating disaster harming sea life, ocean, beaches, people physically and financially and the long term affects are unknown.  Or the subprime housing fiasco which pulled the rug out from under the foundation of our economy.  We feel it.  We can’t ignore it.  But how much do we share about it with our children?  A mom I know posed this question which got me thinking about the duality in life.

My children are very young, so we haven’t gotten that deep yet…

But my belief is to always tell them everything based in truth and as much reality as is age appropriate… and then to end with hope for the future or the possible upside of things.

Children take in a lot from us that is non-verbal. If we react deeply to a situation such as the oil spill, they feel it.  If we feel hopeless about the state of the world and our future, they will feel it even if you express in words otherwise.

In my opinion, it comes down to our own trust in life. Yes there is always going to be duality, as there is always dark and light.  But that dark can be interpreted and deeply felt either as despair and hopelessness… or as the reality of darkness that does exist in this world, but does not take away the abundancy of light that also exists.  Nature (God/Universe) has a way of giving ultimate power to the good, even if we don’t see or understand it.  The law of nature is healing beyond statistics, studies, human degradation and our capacity to understand it or see it in it’s entirety.

My belief is that this trust in the good (God/Universe) in life is the rock that will keep me and my family on solid ground when life throws unknowns our way. Even if we don’t talk about this trust, our children feel it in our voice, in our body language and our overall energy.  As they grow up, it can help them to face the dark in life and deal with it as it comes their way.  We parents can demonstrate that we can care and even act upon what is happening without being swallowed up by the darkness of it.  It is a tool that can even help our children to be leaders in shining light where it seemed only darkness existed.   We can share a limited amount of the reality of the situation with them and then any amount of good or hope that we can see.

With the good comes the bad… and with the bad comes the good.  Which do you want to focus on?  That’s what your children will focus on too.

Wishing you and your family lots of light in a sometimes dark world,
Your Sensible Girlfriend

There are some recipes that are keepers and the above ingredients (port wine, figs and cranberries) make up the most complexly delicious Thanksgiving sauce that is definitely a keeper!  The port-soaked cranberries are even better the next day over ice cream- indescribably good!

But there’s an even better Thanksgiving recipe that lasts longer than what lingers on your tongue and in your belly.  Gratefulness and kindness are the main ingredients.  I love to regularly take mental notes on what I am grateful for, but I especially love to do this during Thanksgiving time.  It makes me feel rich, full of love for all that I have and happy for where life has taken me.

When I really think about it, it is actually the simple things that really fill me with bliss.  The cool autumn breeze on a cheerful, sunny Maui day (reminding me that there are seasons even if we don’t really see them); a bite of really good pumpkin pie (which I know how to make now that my Uncle Mervyn shared his pie making recipe with me and my mom bought me a Cusinart); a sweet, loving look from my husband and my children; and amazingly powerful small acts of kindness.

Recently and throughout the year, I’ve been surprised again and again with how many kind, caring people there are in my life who do things for me out of the goodness of their heart.  It may seem like a small thing to them, but the intention and loving energy behind it lasts even longer than the incredibly kind deed that they did for me.   Even if I thank them with words, I feel a deep well of emotional gratitude that is not actually expressed.  What happens for me is that I feel compelled to be kind to someone else who really needs it at that moment.  And I am again rewarded by seeing that I’ve eased someone elses pain or made someone smile.  Living in this cycle of gratitude and kindness is a way to set yourself up for unending happiness and love. Why anyone would want to live any other way?

The story below shows how a simple act of kindness can be life-altering and more meaningful than you might think.  It was sent to me by a friend so I don’t know the original author.

RED MARBLES
I was at the corner grocery store buying some
early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged
but clean, hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the
display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new
potatoes.
Pondering the peas, I couldn’t help overhearing
the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy
next to me.

‘Hello Barry, how are you today?’

‘H’lo , Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus’ admirin’
them peas. They sure look good.’

‘They are good, Barry. How’s your Ma?’

‘Fine. Gittin’ stronger alla’ time.’

‘Good. Anything I can help you with?’

‘No, Sir. Jus’ admirin’ them peas.’

‘Would you like to take some home?’ asked Mr.
Miller.

‘No, Sir. Got nuthin’ to pay for ‘em with.’

‘Well, what have you to trade me for some of those
peas?’

‘All I got’s my prize marble here.’

‘Is that right? Let me see it’ said Miller..

‘Here ’tis. She’s a dandy.’

‘I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is
blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?’ the
store owner asked.

‘Not zackley but almost..’

‘Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with
you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble’.. Mr. Miller told
the boy.

‘Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.’

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came
over to help me. With a smile she said, ‘There are two other boys like him
in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves
to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come
back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn’t like
red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green
marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.’

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with
this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado , but I never forgot the
story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.

Several years went by, each more rapid than the
previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that
Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died.

They were having his visitation that evening and
knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at
the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to
offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was
in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and
white shirts…all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller,
standing composed and smiling by her husband’s casket. Each of the young men
hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her, and moved on to
the casket.

Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by
one; each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the
cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his
eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who
I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she
had told me about her husband’s bartering for marbles… With her eyes
glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

‘Those three young men who just left were the boys
I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim
‘traded’ them.. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color
or size……they came to pay their debt.’

‘We’ve never had a great deal of the wealth of
this world,’ she confided, ‘but right now, Jim would consider himself the
richest man in Idaho.’

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless
fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely
shined red marbles.

The Moral: We will not be remembered by our words,
but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by
the moments that take our breath….
Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~ A
fresh pot of coffee you didn’t make yourself…An unexpected phone call from
an old friend…Green stoplights on your way to work….The fastest line at
the grocery store…A good sing-along song on the radio…Your keys found
right where you left them.

Your Sensible Girlfriend, Angeline

Oh, yeah, here’s the delectable Port wine, fig, cranberry sauce recipe.  This is something you can start being grateful for:

Cranberry Sauce with Port and Dried Figs Bon Appétit | November 2001

(photo by: Leo Gong)

The dried figs add a chewy sweetness to this delicious sauce.

Yield: Makes about 3 1/2 cups

1 2/3 cups ruby Port
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
1/4 cup (packed) golden brown sugar
8 dried black Mission figs, stemmed, chopped
1 6-inch-long sprig fresh rosemary
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 12-ounce bag fresh cranberries
3/4 cup sugar

Combine first 6 ingredients in medium saucepan. Bring to boil, stirring until sugar dissolves. Reduce heat to low and simmer 10 minutes. Discard rosemary. Mix in cranberries and 3/4 cup sugar. Cook over medium heat until liquid is slightly reduced and berries burst, stirring occasionally, about 6 minutes. Cool. Transfer sauce to bowl; chill until cold. (Cranberry sauce can be prepared 1 week ahead. Cover and keep refrigerated.)

–
Angeline Chew Longshore
sensiblegirlfriend.com
Your Sensible Girlfriend’s Guide To Life, A guide to better living

My husband and I just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary (Anniversary Pear Cake with Berries and Whipped Cream above) and I think we are the happiest married couple that I know.  Maybe it’s because there are a number of couples we know that are breaking up or maybe it’s because at my engagement party, my cousin and brother-in-law said, “Just wait a few years, you won’t think marriage is such a great idea”, which made me so determined to not end up like them.  Whatever the reason, it seems that we have something that many other couples don’t have.  That got me thinking about why our relationship is so successful while others are grumbling, some even in their first year of marriage.

What can go wrong?

When I look at the couples having difficulties, it seems to come down to two basic problems.

1. Expectations about what marriage is or what they think it should be.

2. How they problem solve when an issue comes up.

Let’s talk about the first issue, expectations of marriage.  One thing I’ve noticed is that while a couple is dating, they behave with a “dating mentality”.  They behave in a way that they think dating couples should behave, but once married, they go back to how they normally would behave or how they believe they should act within a marriage.  For example, the man may tolerate eating Asian food then once married, he will not tolerate eating Asian food even if that is what the couple had done the entire time they were dating.  The man may be generous during the dating phase and then once married, go back to his frugal ways.  Or, the woman may be surprised that once married, her husband isn’t as adventurous sexually but wants her to do all the cooking and cleaning, serve him meals and quit her job to have children because these are his expectations of what marriage looks like.  These types of behaviors can be shocking to a woman once they finally tie the knot.  She could say that she never saw it coming.  Then there could be other more serious issues around finances or child rearing.  A woman who enjoys shopping and has always had her own bank account may find that her husband doesn’t agree with how she spends money.  He may see her spending as excessive and a threat to their financial security, while she may not agree with being tied to a financial leash.  With children, it becomes more complex because our decisions can affect the child’s life-long wellbeing.  Of course the man can also be surprised that the woman doesn’t see eye to eye with him anymore and she may have changed her ways once married as well.

It seems to me that most couples don’t discover these issues until they begin to experience the problem.  By then, one issue affects a series of others, emotions escalate,  and things tend to snowball.  The couple is so overwhelmed that they can’t seem to pinpoint what the initial issue was that started the turmoil.  They may try to work it out or fight it out, but many times the basic issues are hidden beneath layers of other issues and emotions that it is hard to get to the bottom of it.

So what can you do to avoid this downward spiral?

The best thing to do is to start off the relationship right by understanding and really getting to know each others’ expectations of marriage.  Literally talk about everything that you can think of.  You can email me for a suggested list of things to consider at angeline@sensiblegirlfriend.com.

Once you’ve talked about everything you might encounter in marriage, if you and your spouse have different expectations, it will be easier to workout before you’re having the problem.  This might be a dose of reality for a couple that is not meant to be together.  If there are too many things that you cannot agree upon, it may be better to be honest with yourselves and call off the marriage before you get in even deeper.

If you are already married and have not addressed these issues, it may sound nearly impossible to change the dynamic that has already taken hold.  But consider the consequences of doing nothing– the longer you ignore the problems, the bigger the snowball and the negative consequences engulf your life even more.  You’ll slowly drift apart and end up acting like roommates more than husband and wife.  This is when a spouse will be attracted to someone who is supportive and seems to understand them… a nice friendship then can lead to an affair.

It’s important to realize that as in all relationships that endure over time, you may feel like you’re a match made in heaven at times and at other times you may not feel as connected.  Some people freak out when they are not feeling that total connection.  But if you realize this is a natural ebb and flow (if there are no glaring red flags to address) then you can relax and enjoy your marriage as it is at this moment.  The thing is, is that life changes and we change over the years, so we should expect our relationship to change and change again and change again whenever we are going through another phase of life.  Why are we so afraid of change?  Do we hang on to an unrealistic expectation to stay the same?    If we take it as a given that each person in the marriage is going to change over time and go through many changing phases, then we can expect it rather than be surprised by it.  For long-time married couples, just being open and flexible to renew your definition and expectations of marriage will open up new possibilities of building an even stronger bond.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that some couples constantly bicker.  As each fights for what they want, someone has to eventually give in.  There is a constant tug of war going on and someone always ends up feeling like a loser.  This creates an on-going battle with each trying to get something from the other to win.  To stop this cycle, you have to get on the same team.  With a team approach, both of you are working toward the same goal of making the team healthy and happy.  Everything you do is for the betterment of the team which means both your needs get met because both of you are doing whatever you can to support the other to make that happen.  Being a good team player means that all your actions are motivated by this mentality of taking care of the team.  So when my husband is out doing things, I know that it is to help the entire family in some way.  It takes away any feeling of doubt, jealousy, even resentment that one might have if he is out doing something just for himself, especially at the expense of the other.  Even when my husband goes out to surf or kite board, I know that he is being a good team player by taking care of his mental and physical health so that he has enough energy and good spirits to bring home to the family.

Another way to create a supportive team is what I call 80/80.  Instead of meeting your partner half way (50/50), if you give eighty percent and your spouse gives eighty percent, then each of you feels totally supported because your partner is going beyond just what is fair.  Instead of trying to get something from your partner, there is an overall feeling of giving from both sides.  When he feels your support, he will want to support you even more.  When you feel his support, your emotion/energy tank gets filled with love and energy that you in turn give back to the team.

Okay, so now that you have the tools to create a happy marriage, what happens when a problem does come up.

Here’s a scenario that happened between me and my husband to illustrate how we deal with issues. After our second child was born, things in our household became very intense dealing with two babies only fifteen months apart.  I was worn out and irritable all the time (which is so unlike my normal, happy self).  My husband felt maxed out working three jobs and coming home to a crying, chaotic household and a crabby, stressed out wife.  We found ourselves not enjoying our life anymore.  My husband started trying to find space from the stress by staying out after work.  He would call me from Home Depot or Lowes hardware store and ask if there was anything I needed from the store.  He was just wandering the isles and deep down feeling guilty for not wanting to come home.  We would look at each other knowing there was so much love there, but not feeling the joy anymore.  We knew this was not how we wanted to live life and we talked about what we could do.  In acknowledging  our true feelings, we realized that we both needed our own time for ourselves.  Once we figured out how to do that, a big cloud of tension disappeared.  My husband didn’t feel guilty anymore because I gave him “permission” to take time for himself after work to go read a book at the beach or go surfing.  And I felt so much better because he would come home happy, refreshed and ready to help me at home.  He helped me find time for myself by paying for a membership at the YMCA.  I could bring the children to the child-watch program and get a ninety minute workout for myself.  On tired days I might even read a book or listen to a CD while riding the recumbent bike.  This gave me the respite I needed and as an unexpected bonus I also gained more energy and lost weight from all the exercise.  My husband and I felt that we totally turned our life back around to that happy existence we were used to.

So what can you do when a problem comes up?

• First, keep in touch with your own emotions.  When you start to feel bad, that is a red flag telling you that you need to look at something that is not working for you.

• Check in with your spouse periodically.  Ask if there is anything that you can do differently to make each other happier.  Is there anything they can do to make you feel more supported or loved.

• Acknowledge your true feelings and your spouses true feelings.  Don’t ignore those red flags!

• Talk compassionately about how you see they might feel hurt, angry, unsupported, etc. in the current situation.

• Brainstorm together about how you might help each other resolve the problem.

• Talk about how you can support the other in what they are trying to achieve.

• Come to an agreement about the way that you can make these changes happen.

• After resolving the issue, talk again about how you see these changes have made a difference to your spouse.

If you do this whenever any issue comes up, it becomes easier and easier.  Even doing this with small things helps to resolve problems as they come up so that there is not a huge build-up of feelings around a bunch of problems.

Girlfriends, there are some other important things you need to know about men in general in order to keep your husband happy.  I will write about them in another blog post called: What Men Need From Their Wives.

Now that you know my secret recipe… go and create your happily forever after marriage!

Your Sensible Girlfriend,

Angeline

P.S. I also do know some very happily married couples, so if you are one of them, you can share what you think keeps your marriage happy.

Most parents don’t take play seriously enough.  I know that seems like an oxymoron, but as I have watched my child play freely I’ve witnessed invaluable creativity, discovery and problem solving going on.  (I compare it to the times when my best creative ideas come to my mind– when I’m in the shower or when I am doing some routine task that is not working my analytical mind.)  Many parents are so eager to get their kids on the academic track of reading and/or analytical brain type thinking… and there is a time a little later in childhood for that… but what these parent don’t realize is that if a child’s mind is forced to focus on developing the thinking part of the brain at an early age, that child is not developing everything else as fully.  A mind that is engaged in serious thinking doesn’t have as much free energy to develop the senses (smell, touch, taste, sight & sound) and physical mastery of the body.  According to teachings by Rudolf Steiner, healthy development of the senses and the physical body equate to a healthy sense of self and relationship to the world.  These are important ingredients for a well-adjusted child.

So now I’ve found even more to back up these theories.  The journal Scientific American just came out with an article that sources many studies finding “free, imaginative play” to be crucial for “normal social, emotional and cognitive development”.  The article points out that it makes us “better adjusted, smarter and less stressed”.  Not only that, it may even prevent your child from becoming a future felon!  So take note, parents who are trying to create mini Einsteins: step back and let your kids play as they may.

Below is a link to the Scientific American article:

The Serious Need for Play: Scientific American

Posted using ShareThis

I’ve heard this same complaint from many new moms and even a few new dads who admitted to me that he feels neglected now that the baby is born.  Yes, they are happy to have a baby, they say, but they just don’t feel like they get any attention from their wives anymore.  I sense a sheepishness as the man says this because he feels bad that she is tired all the time and he knows that she is doing the best she can to take care of the baby… but he’s at a loss because she had no energy left for him.  I suspect the man feels like he is between a rock and a hard place because he doesn’t feel that he has the right to complain.  When he hints at it or mentions feeling neglected, he knows that it makes is wife feel exasperated because she doesn’t know where she can come up with the energy or time to give to him and there seems to be no solution to work this situation out.

I’m here to tell you that there is a solution where everyone can feel loved, supported and taken care of.  There are a few things that you and your spouse have to realize and put into action for this to happen.

First, you both need to adopt the mindset that it is no longer all about you or me, it is about we.  What I mean is that everything you do is no longer just for yourself (which can work in a couples relationship) or for even just for you and the baby, but now every action needs to support and benefit the family team. For instance I wake up at 5:15am to make my husband breakfast– knowing that he is fully capable of doing it for himself, but if I do it, it makes him feel nurtured, well-fed and keeps him going at work which benefits the family as a whole. And then he will have the energy and motivation to support me by doing things that helps me and that ultimately serves the whole family.

Some couples start off, each focused on trying to get their needs met. When you come from that frame of mind, you are in “take” mode rather than “give” mode. You also set up a dynamic where each of you are sort of at odds trying to get what you can from the other… and in order to make each other happy, you have to compromise something that you feel makes you happy. With that dynamic, someone is always going to be somewhat unhappy. Some people say, “Well, I’m willing to give 50% if my spouse gives 50%.” What works better is if each of you wants to give 80%, then there is always an overlap of giving and everyone feels supported.

Thinking of yourselves as a team really helps. When we know everyone is pulling for the team, we don’t question the motivation of our spouse’s actions because we know it is to benefit the family somehow. That does mean also that you make sure to take care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally so that you can be a healthy team player. So for instance when my husband comes home, I don’t get upset if he needs some transition time before he can help me out or discuss something. And if he needs to take a nap, then I honor that because I know he is honoring his body to stay healthy. I also will let him know when I need some time to take care of myself… which brings up another important relationship dynamic.

Many women want/expect a man to instinctively know what they need/want. This expectation is unrealistic because men instinctively think like men, not like women. Therefore, it is unfair to expect a man to think like a woman which is what you are asking him to do (or be a clairvoyant and read your mind). The solution to this is to realize two things about your man… he wants to make you happy and he likes to win (at any game or anything he does). So why not make it a win-win situation and spell out for him what you want/need. He will be so happy that he doesn’t have to play guessing games (where he may lose) and risk the chance of making you unhappy. What is guaranteed to make it a lose-lose situation is if you expect him to think like a woman or read your mind which leads to the guessing game… and the more he guesses wrong, the more irritated and unhappy you become which makes it a lose-lose. For example, I tell my husband what I want for my birthday or Christmas. I’ll even cut out the magazine picture and tell him where he can buy it and how much it will cost. This is a big relief for him because he doesn’t have to search around and feel the pressure to be forced into buying something he is not even sure that I will like– again, he doesn’t want to lose and wants to make me happy. So yes, I lose the spontaneity or being surprised by the unknown gift. But to me, it is totally worth losing the surprise and instead have everyone feel like they’ve won.

So those are the main points that make up the foundation for a supported relationship. Now here’s where you can add the whipped cream and cherry on top–
Once you have those relationship dynamics in place, you will feel like you have more energy to give to each other. Then you can find things to do for each other that don’t take a lot of time or energy, but really make that person feel loved, nurtured and cherished. One thing I do for my husband every morning before I make him breakfast, is I give him a brief back rub and scalp massage. I know that it is something that he cannot do for himself and helps him to start his day off feeling loved and nurtured. And I also know that all of this will make him feel like he wants to support me in any way he can to make my life easier.

Another challenging thing is that happens after the baby is born, is that both of you feel under demand 24/7. If you were a couple for a length of time prior to having a baby, you were used to your relationship being a certain way with time for each other and time for yourself. It can be shocking for both of you to have to change the dynamic of your relationship and also lose your quiet time by yourself. Each of you may try to get some of that back which tugs at the relationship and can feel like a “tug of war”. Suddenly you realize you’re fighting when having a new baby is supposed to be such a happy, loving time of your life.

My husband and I may have had an easier time with this because we had not been a couple for very long before having a baby… but we still did feel the 24/7 pressure. We talked about this (fyi– I think it’s very important to lay things out to discuss in a non-blaming non-critical way to find a solution together) and we decided to give each other at least one day a week where the other person could feel care-free by not being responsible for the baby or the household for several hours. This can happen once the baby can either take a bottle or can go for hours between nursing times. (For us, our baby was around 8 or 9 months when my husband could take him and be without me for hours. If the baby can be bottle fed, it can be even earlier). We call these “free days”. With his free days, he might go to a movie, surf, kite board or just stay at home to relax. Doing things at the spur of the moment and just when you feel like it, is freeing.

As mothers, we have a harder time totally letting go, especially mentally. The thing you have to realize is that your child will be healthier with a mother that is happy and not stressed/worried, so letting go is actually a way of taking care of your child. Also you have to surrender to the way your husband takes care of your baby and realize that the child will survive if it is not done how you know is best. Your husband is self sufficient and will figure out his own way. If you respect his way of care-taking and realize that it makes your child more adaptable (just as long as the child is not in danger), then your husband will not feel second-guessed and probably will take more pride and initiative in taking care of your baby… which in turn helps you.

All this said, each family has its own set of dynamics and the two of you can decide together your team rules. Your team can look and act very different from mine and still be a winning team. The main thing is to start by getting on the same team and back each other up as team players. It might amaze you at how supporting and ready to help your husband becomes… and how supported, loved and nurtured you all feel. Good Luck, I’ll be routing for your team!