You don’t normally think of your house as being toxic, but if you’re like the average person, your house could be one of the most chemically toxic places that your family is exposed to. I don’t think of myself as a totally “green” or an obsessively natural-living kind of person, but in the last few years since I’ve been pregnant and figuring out what is healthiest for my family, it seems I’ve learned a lot on how to keep my family as safe as reasonably possible from toxic household chemicals.

How Bad Could It Really Be?

Well, if you use many popular household cleaning products like Tide, Ajax, Clorox, Tilex, Lime-Away, Windex, Dawn Dish Soap… and wash with some of the common soaps and beauty products, you have been exposing your family to dangerous toxic chemicals that have been shown to cause cancer and hormonal problems. The thing is that you might not attribute these health problems to the products you use or foods you eat because it is a collective process over time that these chemicals can eventually cause seriously altering changes to your system.

A survey by the Environmental Working Group in 2007 found that children are on the average exposed to 61 different chemicals a day, 27 of those not considered safe by the government or a cosmetic’s industry safety panel.

Here’s Some Real Proof– Dateline NBC found out just how much household toxins we ingest into our bodies!

Just to show you how the average family is actually ingesting hundreds of chemicals, Dateline NBC’s Josh Mankiewicz’s report tested the blood levels of two different families. One family he called “The Greens” were the “conscious” family who would use biodegradable products, ate what they considered a healthy vegetarian diet and bought mostly organic foods. The other family, the “Browns” who are maybe more like your average family, live a life of convenience– using teflon pans, quick and efficient household products and eating whatever is fast and convenient. The lab results showed that both families had roughly the same number of chemicals in their bloodstream (close to 50 different chemicals), but more important than the number of chemicals is the amount of each chemical in the body. The “Browns” had up to 4 times the amount of those chemicals than the “Greens” in their system! The chemical culprits–
•Perfluorochemicals, or PFCs which are found mostly in non-stick cookware, furniture, clothing and fast food containers.
•Parabens used as preservatives in cosmetics and products like moisturizers, shampoos, shave gel and toothpaste. Both women had higher levels of parabens from using cosmetics.
•Phthalates used to make plastic products from water bottles to children’s toys to shower curtains, and are also a key ingredient in paint, cosmetics, and anything with fragrance.
The “Browns” kids who admit to drinking a lot of bottled water and microwaving in plastic containers had the highest level of phthalates.  The “Greens” who had lower levels of phthalates said they consciously bought mostly wooden toys for their children and it was only at other kids homes that their kids played with plastic.
•Triclosan, a pesticide found in most anti-bacterial liquid hand soap. The “Greens” showed barely a trace because they’ve always avoided using anti-bacterial soap.
•Bisphenol A, a toxin and possible carcinogen found in recycled and reusable plastics like baby bottles and the inner lining of most canned goods.  The “Greens” had higher levels of BPA, possibly because they eat a lot of canned beans in their vegetarian diet.

So what is a family to do about all these toxic chemicals in our homes?

Newsweek magazine ran an article called Nine Ways to Avoid Household Toxins. Here’s a shortened version of that article:
1. Filter Your Water. A simple water filter can capture a lot of pollutants.
2. Know What ‘ s in Your Grooming Products. Shampoos, lotions and makeup can contain a number of toxins like parabens and phthalates, which have been identified as hormone disruptors and may be linked to certain cancers.
3. Don’t Eat Microwave Popcorn. The inside of a microwave popcorn bag is usually coated with a chemical that can break down to form perfluorooctanoic acid (PFOA). PFOA has been linked to cancer and birth defects in animals and preliminary epidemiological studies suggest that a pregnant woman’s exposure to PFOA may reduce her baby’s birth weight.
4. Don’t Get Stain-Protection Treatment. These treatments usually contain perfluorinated chemicals.
5. Limit Use of Canned Food and Plastic Containers. Most canned goods are coated with a resin lining derived from Bisphenol-A (BPA).
6. Use PBDE-Free Electronics. Polybrominated Diphenyl Ethers (PBDE) are a family of flame retardants.
7. Don’t Use Paint Made With Volatile Organic Compounds (VOC).
8. Patronize a Perc-Free Dry Cleaner. Perchloroethylene (perc) is also a VOC and is most commonly used in dry cleaning.
9. Dust and Vacuum Weekly. Toxins like PBDE can settle into the dust in your house
For more information here’s the link to the Newsweek article: http://www.newsweek.com/id/161841

Now you must be wondering, what can I buy for my family that isn’t loaded with chemicals?

Here’s Some Non-Toxic Solutions For Cleaning Your House:

For household cleaning there are a few all natural, environmentally friendly alternatives that I use that are inexpensive, easy to use and really work. You can use the following ingredients alone or in combined formulas instead of commercial household cleaners.  I haven’t tried using all these formulas myself.  I found these cleaning formulas from an online site called Eartheasy.

You can make your own cleaning products using the following:
•Baking Soda- cleans, deodorizes, softens water, scours.
•White Vinegar- cuts grease, removes mildew, odors, some stains and wax build-up.
•Soap- unscented soap in liquid form, flakes, powders or bars is biodegradable and will clean just about anything. Avoid using soaps which contain petroleum distillates.
•Borax- (sodium borate) cleans, deodorizes, disinfects, softens water, cleans wallpaper, painted walls and floors.
•Washing Soda- or SAL Soda is sodium carbonate decahydrate, a mineral. Washing soda cuts grease, removes stains, softens water, cleans wall, tiles, sinks and tubs. Use care, as washing soda can irritate mucous membranes. Do not use on aluminum.
•Cornstarch- can be used to clean windows, polish furniture, shampoo carpets and rugs.
•Citrus Solvent- cleans paint brushes, oil and grease, some stains. (Citrus solvent may cause skin, lung or eye irritations for people with multiple chemical sensitivities.)
•Trisodium phosphate (TSP)- a mixture of soda ash and phosphoric acid. TSP is toxic if swallowed, but it can be used on many jobs, such as cleaning drains or removing old paint, that would normally require much more caustic and poisonous chemicals, and it does not create any fumes.

Cleaning Formulas:
All-Purpose Cleaner: Mix 1/2 cup vinegar and 1/4 cup baking soda (or 2 teaspoons borax) into 1/2 gallon (2 liters) water. Store and keep. Use for removal of water deposit stains on shower stall panels, bathroom chrome fixtures, windows, bathroom mirrors, etc.
Another alternative is microfiber cloths which lift off dirt, grease and dust without the need for cleaning chemicals, because they are formulated to penetrate and trap dirt. There are a number of different brands. A good quality cloth can last for several years.

Air Freshener: Commercial air fresheners mask smells and coat nasal passages to diminish the sense of smell.
• Baking soda or vinegar with lemon juice in small dishes absorbs odors around the house.
• Having houseplants helps reduce odors in the home.
• Prevent cooking odors by simmering vinegar (1 tbsp in 1 cup water) on the stove while cooking. To get such smells as fish and onion off utensils and cutting boards, wipe them with vinegar and wash in soapy water.
• Simmer water and cinnamon or other spices on stove.
• Place bowls of fragrant dried herbs and flowers in room.
•Use a diffuser to diffuse essential oils into the air. The essential oil company Young Living makes different blends, just to name a few– Thieves blend reduces airborne bacteria and mold, Immune Power blend helps boost your family’s immune system, Purification helps with respiratory symptoms, emotional balance and skin and hair, Citrus Fresh blend helps to boost the immune system and fight infections as well as balance your emotions.

Bathroom mold: Mold in bathroom tile grout is a common problem and can be a health concern. Mix one part hydrogen peroxide (3%) with two parts water in a spray bottle and spray on areas with mold. Wait at least one hour before rinsing or using shower.

Carpet stains: Mix equal parts white vinegar and water in a spray bottle. Spray directly on stain, let sit for several minutes, and clean with a brush or sponge using warm soapy water.
For a heavy duty carpet cleaner, mix 1/4 cup each of salt, borax and vinegar. Rub paste into carpet and leave for a few hours. Vacuum.

Dishwasher Soap: Mix equal parts of borax and washing soda, but increase the washing soda if your water is hard.

Dishwashing Soap: Commercial low-phosphate detergents are not themselves harmful, but phosphates nourish algae which use up oxygen in waterways. A detergent substitution is to use liquid soap. Add 2 or 3 tablespoons of vinegar to the warm, soapy water for tough jobs.

Disinfectant: Mix 2 teaspoons borax, 4 tablespoons vinegar and 3 cups hot water. For stronger cleaning power add 1/4 teaspoon liquid castile soap. Wipe on with dampened cloth or use non-aerosol spray bottle.

Drain Cleaner: Pour about 1/2 cup baking soda and a 1/2 cup of salt down the drain, then 1/2 cup vinegar. The resulting chemical reaction can break fatty acids down into soap and glycerine, allowing the clog to wash down the drain. After 15 minutes, pour in boiling water to clear residue. Caution: only use this method with metal plumbing. Plastic pipes can melt if excess boiling water is used. Also, do not use this method after trying a commercial drain opener–the vinegar can react with the drain opener to create dangerous fumes.

Fabric softener: To reduce static cling, dampen your hands, then shake out your clothes as you remove them from the drier. Line-drying clothing is another alternative. You can also purchase dryer balls to use as a chemical-free option. Dryer balls tumble in the dryer to lift and separate your laundry, allowing the air to flow more efficiently. As a result, your clothes dry faster and feel fluffier. The soft tips on our dryer balls massage fabrics to naturally fluff and soften them without the use of chemical-laden dryer sheets or liquid fabric softeners. They are completely reusable and safe for use on all fabrics. The unique design causes the fibers to relax, leaving clothes softer and towels more absorbent. You’ll save hundreds of dollars on fabric softeners, dryer sheets and energy. The two reusable balls can be used over and over again and cost about $12.
Here’s a link to an online site where you can buy them: www.simplygoodstuff.com/dryer_magic-dryerballs.htm

Floor Cleaner and Polish:
vinyl and linoleum: add a capful of baby oil to the cleaning water to preserve and polish.
wood: apply a thin coat of 1:1 oil and vinegar and rub in well.
painted wood: mix 1 teaspoon washing soda into 1 gallon (4L) hot water.
brick and stone tiles: mix 1 cup white vinegar in 1 gallon (4L) water; rinse with clear water.
Most floor surfaces can be easily cleaned using a solution of vinegar and water. For damp-mopping wood floors: mix equal amounts of white distilled vinegar and water. Add 15 drops of pure peppermint oil; shake to mix.

Furniture Polish: For varnished wood, add a few drops of lemon oil into a 1/2 cup warm water. Mix well and spray onto a soft cotton cloth. Cloth should only be slightly damp. Wipe furniture with the cloth, and finish by wiping once more using a dry soft cotton cloth.
For unvarnished wood, mix two teaspoons each of olive oil and lemon juice and apply a small amount to a soft cotton cloth. Wring the cloth to spread the mixture further into the material and apply to the furniture using wide strokes. This helps distribute the oil evenly.

Lime Deposits: You can reduce lime deposits in your teakettle by putting in 1/2 cup (125ml) white vinegar and 2 cups water, and gently boiling for a few minutes. Rinse well with fresh water while kettle is still warm.

Metal Cleaners and Polishes:
aluminum: using a soft cloth, clean with a solution of cream of tartar and water.
brass or bronze: polish with a soft cloth dipped in lemon and baking-soda solution, or vinegar and salt solution.
chrome: polish with baby oil, vinegar, or aluminum foil shiny side out.
copper: soak a cotton rag in a pot of boiling water with 1 tablespoon salt and 1 cup white vinegar. Apply to copper while hot; let cool, then wipe clean. For tougher jobs, sprinkle baking soda or lemon juice on the cloth before wiping.
gold: clean with toothpaste, or a paste of salt, vinegar, and flour.
silver: line a pan with aluminum foil and fill with water; add a teaspoon each of baking soda and salt. Bring to a boil and immerse silver. Polish with soft cloth.
stainless steel: clean with a cloth dampened with undiluted white vinegar.

Mold and Mildew: Use white vinegar or lemon juice full strength, with small amount of salt. Apply using a sponge or a spray bottle, and do not rinse.

Mothballs: The common mothball is made of paradichlorobenzene, which is harmful to liver and kidneys. Cedar chips in a cheesecloth square, or cedar oil in an absorbant cloth will repel moths. The cedar should be ‘aromatic cedar’, also referred to as juniper in some areas. Cedar chips are available at many craft supply stores, or make your own using a plane and a block of cedar from the lumberyard.
Homemade moth-repelling sachets can also be made with lavender, rosemary, vetiver and rose petals.
Dried lemon peels are also a natural moth deterrent – simply toss into clothes chest, or tie in cheesecloth and hang in the closet.

Oven Cleaner: Moisten oven surfaces with sponge and water. Use 3/4 cup baking soda, 1/4 cup salt and 1/4 cup water to make a thick paste, and spread throughout oven interior. (avoid bare metal and any openings) Let sit overnight. Remove with spatula and wipe clean. Rub gently with fine steel wool for tough spots. Or use Arm & Hammer Oven Cleaner, declared nontoxic by Consumers Union.

Paint Brush Cleaner: Non-toxic, citrus oil based solvents are now available commercially under several brand names. Citra-Solve is one brand. This works well for cleaning brushes of oil-based paints. Paint brushes and rollers used for an on-going project can be saved overnight, or even up to a week, without cleaning at all. Simply wrap the brush or roller snugly in a plastic bag, such as a used bread or produce bag. Squeeze out air pockets and store away from light. The paint won’t dry because air can’t get to it. Simply unwrap the brush or roller the next day and continue with the job.
Fresh paint odors can be reduced by placing a small dish of white vinegar in the room.

Rust Remover: Sprinkle a little salt on the rust, squeeze a lime over the salt until it is well soaked. Leave the mixture on for 2 – 3 hours. Use leftover rind to scrub residue.

Scouring Powder: For top of stove, refrigerator and other such surfaces that should not be scratched, use baking soda. Apply baking soda directly with a damp sponge.

Shoe Polish: Olive oil with a few drops of lemon juice can be applied to shoes with a thick cotton or terry rag. Leave for a few minutes; wipe and buff with a clean, dry rag.

Toilet Bowl Cleaner: Mix 1/4 cup baking soda and 1 cup vinegar, pour into basin and let it set for a few minutes. Scrub with brush and rinse. A mixture of borax (2 parts) and lemon juice (one part) will also work.

Tub and Tile Cleaner: For simple cleaning, rub in baking soda with a damp sponge and rinse with fresh water. For tougher jobs, wipe surfaces with vinegar first and follow with baking soda as a scouring powder. (Vinegar can break down tile grout, so use sparingly.)

Wallpaper Remover: Mix equal parts of white vinegar and hot water, apply with sponge over the old wallpaper to soften the adhesive. Open room windows or use a fan to dissipate the pungent vinegar smell.

Water Rings on Wood: Water rings on a wooden table or counter are the result of moisture that is trapped under the topcoat, but not the finish. Try applying toothpaste or mayonnaise to a damp cloth and rub into the ring. Once the ring is removed, buff the entire wood surface.

Window Cleaner: Mix 2 teaspoons of white vinegar with 1 liter (qt) warm water. Use crumpled newspaper or cotton cloth to clean. Don’t clean windows if the sun is on them, or if they are warm, or streaks will show on drying. The All-Purpose Cleaner (above) also works well on windows.

What If I Want The Convenience Of A Store Bought Product, What Can I Buy?

If you’re not into making your own formula cleaning products, here’s an all natural, non-toxic all-purpose cleaner that you can buy called Thieves Household Cleaner. This cleaner uses a pure essential oils (clove, lemon, cinnamon, eucalyptus, and rosemary) as its active ingredient. It is made by a company called Young Living which is known for it’s high quality therapeutic grade essential oils. The anti-microbial power of Thieves’ essential oils combined with a non-toxic coconut oil based cleaning solution is safe for your whole family. You can dilute this concentrate to clean almost everything in your household and use Thieves Household Cleaner in place of: all laundry detergents, bleach, dish washer detergents, spot/stain/grease removers, carpet shampoo, tub/tile/toilet cleaners, oven cleaner, floor cleaner, glass/mirror cleaners, cleaning and preventing mold and much more! It is a great stain remover, yet gentle on surfaces including leather, upholstery, painted furniture and clothing. I’ve read that professional cleaning services are using Thieves Cleaner and receiving feedback from their clients that they are experiencing fewer allergies at homes and at work. And employees of cleaning services are ill less often because using Thieves Cleaner helps prevent colds and flus and is effective in clearing up allergies and sinus issues. Thieves Cleaner is very gentle on the skin and safe for children and pets. It is economical to use because you use just a small amount diluted with water in a spray bottle or bucket.

Here are the Dilution Ratios:
Light Degreasing 60:1
Medium Degreasing 30:1
Heavy Degreasing 15:1
Floors 100:1
Walls 30:1
Upholstery, Fabrics, Carpet Spotting 40:1
Carpet 100:1
Glass 320:1
Pots and Pans 100:1
Hand Cleaner 1:1

How Do I Know What’s Safe To Buy For Shampoos, Soaps, Lotions and Cosmetics?

So now that you can be sure to clean your house with non-toxic products, what kinds of personal care products and cosmetics can your family use safely?
Here to help is a non-profit public health organization called Environmental Working Group (EWG). They have a great website that offers a safety guide database for children’s personal care products. You can either type any brand name product into their search engine to see its “hazard score” or you can click on a type of product, like shampoo– and the site provides a list ranked from least hazardous to most hazardous. Here’s the link: http://www.cosmeticsdatabase.com/special/parentsguide

What Are The Main Chemical Ingredients To Avoid?

EWG also offer a list of the main ingredients to avoid that are “linked to significant, well-documented health effects, or have been found unsafe for use in children’s products”. Below is a short list. For the full list go to: http://www.cosmeticsdatabase.com/special/parentsguide/ingredients.php

Ingredients to avoid always:
* 2-BROMO-2-NITROPROPANE-1,3-DIOL
Allergen that forms cancer-causing chemicals
* BHA
Causes skin depigmentation
* DMDM HYDANTOIN
Allergen that forms cancer-causing chemicals
* OXYBENZONE
Allergen; forms free radicals to damage skin
* TRICLOSAN
May disrupt growth hormones from the thyroid
* BORIC ACID & SODIUM BORATE
Unsafe for infants according to industry experts
* DIBUTYL PHTHALATE & TOLUENE
Found in nail polish/play makeup; hormone disruption, cancer concerns

Personal Care Products:
Ingredients to avoid when possible:
(Info from The Environmental Working Group)

* FRAGRANCE
Allergen; neurotoxic, hormone disruption concerns
* DYES
Some cause cancer and are banned outside the U.S.
* FLUORIDE
Teeth stains; neurotoxic when swallowed
* CETEARETH & PEG compounds
Can contain cancer-causing impurities
* PARABENS
Hormone disruption, cancer concerns
* TRIETHANOLAMINE (TEA)
Allergen that forms cancer-causing chemicals
* BENZYL & ISOPROPYL ALCOHOL
Skin irritation and neurotoxicity concerns
* METHYLCHLOROISOTHIAZOLINONE & METHYLISOTHIAZOLINONE
Allergens with neurotoxicity concerns
* IODOPROPYNYL BUTYLCARBAMATE
Chemically similar to neurotoxic pesticides

Why Do We Have To Worry About All Of These Chemicals?
The Environmental Working Group reports that “due to gaping loopholes in federal law, cosmetics companies can put almost any ingredient they choose into their products, with no requirement to safety test. Companies can also claim that their products are gentle and natural even when they contain artificial chemical ingredients or harsh skin irritants.” The EWG says that children are even more vulnerable because they have thinner skin than adults which absorbs more chemicals into they system. They also breath in more air contaminants without the acquired protection that adults have to the bloodstream and the brain. The EWG says these chemicals have been linked to “allergies, nervous system problems, cancer, reproductive risks, and hormone disruption.”
For more information on this see: http://www.cosmeticsdatabase.com/special/parentsguide/summary.php

Why Doesn’t The Government Protect Us?

The EWG found that the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has no authority to require premarket testing of personal care product ingredients for safety. Also the FDA does not have the power to require the recall of a harmful product. Instead they rely on the personal care industry to police itself. An EWG investigation found that “the panel chooses criteria regarding sensitivity and irritation for 80 percent of its safety recommendations, ignoring more serious health concerns such as cancer, birth defects, and hormone disruption, and as a result finds more than 99 percent of ingredients reviewed safe as used.” In addition they found that “products made and marketed especially for babies and children are not required to meet any additional health and safety standards.” So again, before you buy, make sure you check with EWG’s Parent’s Safety Guide To Children’s Personal Products at : http://www.cosmeticsdatabase.com/special/parentsguide

What Can You Do About Harmful Chemicals In Plastics?

The harmful chemicals in plastics, Bisphenol-A (BPA) or Phthalates are found in food storage containers, water bottles, baby bottles and children’s toys.  Here’s how to keep your family safe:
•Look for bottles made with polypropelene or polyethelene or glass which do not contain BPA or phthalates.
•Buy a polypropelene water bottle and fill it with filtered water rather than using store bought bottled water.
• Look for BPA/Phthalates-free alternative for baby bottles and sippy cups now on the market. Brand names are Born-Free, Kleen Kanteen, Medela just to name a few. The website called Safe Mama has a long list you can check out: http://safemama.com/2007/11/22/bpa-free-bottle-and-sippy-cup-cheat-sheet/
•Avoid bottles made from polycarbonate plastic– Avent, Dr. Brown’s, Evenflo clear, First Years, Playtex, Sassy, Tuppercare and the plastic in most store bought bottled water.
•Also avoid using plastic containers in the microwave
•Use waxed paper or a paper towel over food instead of plastic wrap
•Use glass food storage containers (pyrex) instead of plastic (tupperware)
•Avoid eating canned foods– most cans are lined with BPA
•Avoid using infant formula– cans are also lined with BPA, Breastfeed whenever possible, or chose powder over liquid for lower amount of BPA leaching
•Buy children’s toys made from natural wood, organic cotton, wool, stainless steel or silver.
For more information about BPA go to: http://www.bisphenolafree.org/

Where Can I Buy Safe Toys For My Children?

Here are some of my favorite toy websites that sell either natural toys or toys that inspire the imagination:
•novanatural.com
•The Playstore
•finewoodentoys.com
•oompatoys.com
•Magic Cabin
•North Star Toys

What About The Toys I Already Have; How Can I Tell If They Are Safe?

If you want to check out the possible toxic dangers of a specific toy or brand here’s a link to HealthyToys.org’s search engine:

http://www.healthytoys.org/product.searchbrand.php

Disposable Diapers Contain Toxic Chemicals Too!

One more thing I have to mention is the toxic chemicals in disposable diapers.
The super absorbent chemical, sodium polyacrylate which absorbs and holds fluids in the diaper has been linked to toxic shock syndrome, can cause allergic reactions, and is lethal to cats if inhaled. Death has occurred from ingestion of just 5 grams of this chemical. Pediatric journals contain reports of this chemical sticking to babies’ genitals. When the baby’s skin gets wet, this super absorber can pull fluids form baby’s skin. Dioxin, the most toxic of all cancer-linked chemicals, according to the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), is a byproduct of bleaching paper. Even in the smallest detectable quantities, dioxin has been known to cause liver disease, immune system suppression, and genetic damage in lab animals. Dyes found in some disposables are known to damage the central nervous system, kidneys, and liver. There are some disposable diapers that are somewhat safer because they are dioxin-free, like Seventh Generation.
For more information about chemicals in disposable diapers go to: http://www.ecobaby.com/cloth.htm

An Easy Alternative To Disposable Diapers– The New Generation Of Cloth Diapers!

Here’s another alternative to disposable diapers:
You may not be aware that there are now easy to use cloth diapers that work similarly to disposables. They are much easier to use than the old fashioned diapers and pins our grandmothers used to use.
My vote for the “ease of use” catagory is a brand called Dream-eze. The inner fabric is organic cotton and the outside fabric is a breathable waterproof fabric that keeps wetness contained inside. What sold me on them is that they are known to be one of the only leak-proof diapers out there on the market. Make sure you buy the Dream-eze “All-In-One” (AIO) diaper with the waterproof outer lining rather than the cotton-only version.

Here are some sites where you can purchase them online: www.heinyking.com/store/c/124-Dream-Eze-AIO.html
www.diaperco.com/store/c/2-All-In-Ones.html
www.dapperdiaperstore.com/catalog.php?category=83

https://www.kellyscloset.com/Dream-Eze-All-In-One-Diapers_p_753-3346.html

Keeping Your Family Toxin-Free–The Bottom Line

Okay, so now that you’re armed with all this information, I hope you feel that you have some doable options to keep your family safe. That said, the reality is that we are surrounded by chemicals and for most of us living in a modern society, we won’t be able to avoid them altogether. The key is to remember to focus and act on the things that you do have control over… and with just that alone, your family will be healthier and safer than the majority of people around you.

This post is in honor of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. October 15th, candles will be lit at 7pm in every time zone around the world. The thought is that if the candle burns for an hour, that will create continuous light all around the world.

Right after my baby girl died, I came across this article on the internet called “I’ve Learned”. Not all of it applied to me, but some of it was really helpful in my grieving process, so I thought I’d share it with you in honor of the upcoming Remembrance Day.

Bereavement Magazine (March/April 2000)

I’ve Learned
by Nancy Ludt
Huntington Beach, California

Editor’s Note: When Nancy Ludt asked the families of the Huntington Beach, California, Bereaved Parent Support Group what they had learned since the death of their child, she reported that their comments were “moving and eye-opening,” and she offered to share these pearls of wisdom with us. No two comments she received were alike, and “the names of the contributors were left out because this is a group effort, and we can all benefit from this list.” While these “lessons” are from bereaved parents, they can easily apply also to almost any other kind of bereavement, as well.

I’ve Learned ?by Nancy Ludt ?Huntington Beach, California
I’VE LEARNED…
0. To take one day at a time.
0. Not to say, “if only,” “I should have,” etc.
0. To appreciate what I’ve got and not moan about what I “don’t got.”
0. To appreciate life and not take it for granted.
0. If today is bleak, tomorrow can be better.
0. To appreciate the moments when I can laugh.
0. That without my support group, I would be lost.
0. How very much I need my “new” friends.
0. How much I treasure and love my daughter’s friends.
0. Not to take my health for granted.
0. What is trivial.
0. That if my energy level is low, I don’t push myself.
0. The importance of exercise.
0. That grief is not time-bound.
0. That no one grieves like me; everybody grieves differently.
0. That the pain never goes away, but it does get “softer.”
0. That no one can comfort me the way Jesus can.
0. To allow the grief, pain and loss to become a part of me.
0. That there is a reason to keep on living (and loving).
0. That joy does return…only in a different way.
0. To turn “it” over to the Lord.
0. That someday we will be together again.
0. Not to let Satan steal my happiness.
0. To ride “the wave” of denial, anger, depression and acceptance.
0. To accept that I may never know why.
0. It’s okay to say, “No.”
0. Not to blame people when they don’t understand.
0. The ability to face adversity (courage).
0. To be strong and resolute.
0. The importance of support and encouragement.
0. That there is friendship and family, OR, family and friendship!
0. That to lose a child is the “ultimate tragedy.”
0. That I need others who have been there to help me through this journey.
0. That love never dies.
0. That time is an ally.
0. That every moment really matters.
0. That eventually you do want to go on and live again.
0. That I must create a “new normal” for myself.
0. That my daughter’s love of life continues to give me the strength to go on.
0. That I must re-invest the energy I gave to your child into something/ someone else.
0. That over time, I have more control over my grief.
0. That I will always have tears on my heart.
0. That it is so important to keep my daughter’s name and memory.
0. That only in the articulation of grief does it diminish.
0. That making new traditions helps.
0. How the soft glow of a candle helps to warm my heart again and bring my daughter near.
0. That it doesn’t matter how our children died, just that they have.
0. That over time, the cemetery brings peace and solitude…not just tears.
0. How the pain and grief I feel one day isn’t necessarily the way I will feel the next day.
0. That some of the things I thought I’d never do again since my daughter died – I have.
0. That I can laugh again and not feel guilty.
0. That along with all the pain and despair, joy and happiness have found a place in my life again.
0. People who have not lost a child can’t possibly understand what I went through.
0. That not only does one lose a child, but they can also lose their belief system, some family members and some friends in the process.
0. Our society is deficient in death education and really doesn’t know how to respond to the grieving person.
0. Some people want to see and be around “happy” people and only have so much to give for those who are grieving.
0. Everyone grieves differently, and there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve.
0. There is no time frame for “getting on with your life” after the death of your child.
0. Strangers can give more than some relatives.
0. You don’t always have until tomorrow.
0. The world does not stop when your child dies.
0. Being among nature helps to bring some softness to my heart and brings my daughter closer to me.
0. That as unbelievable as it is to me, I have come to reconcile my daughter’s death. A “settling” has taken place within myself.
0. You don’t have to have money to be rich.
0. A broken heart will mend…almost.
0. We are all connected and need each other in such a special way.
0. Many times we are touching lives and helping each other in time and space that we don’t even realize.
0. The support of family and friends is invaluable.
0. The phone becomes an object of anxiety sometimes. (Child’s death notified by phone.)
0. That “normalizing” the sense of being totally insane is helpful.
0. There may be difficulty when people say we are “coping so well.”
0. After three years, I don’t want to talk about the loss of my son a lot, although he is rarely absent from my consciousness.
0. It may help to focus on the very small things, because you will not be able to make sense of the larger picture.
0. To attempt to feel comfort in the warmth or scent of a cup of hot tea in my hands, the smell of a flower, the proximity of someone who cared.
0. The daily searing pain gets less raw, and sometimes I can have moments of joy.
0. To watch the sunset every day.
0. My son will always be alive as long as I am also alive.
0. I can smile when I remember him.
0. I had to go with my feelings and trust in our love.
0. It takes years of baby-stepping and falling.
0. To be humble, grateful and a little more selfish, aware, honest and looking forward to my life, rather than living my son’s death.
0. What I would give for just ONE more day!
It feels awfully good typing this into the computer

A friend of mine just told me about a pregnant couple who lost their baby after 6 months in-utero. She asked me to share my story with them in hopes that it may help them in their grieving. I thought I’d share my story with you even though it has been two years since my baby girl died. I hope it may help any other parents who have suffered the loss of a child. This post is also in honor of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. October 15th, candles will be lit at 7pm in every time zone around the world. The thought is that if the candle burns for an hour, that will create continuous light all around the world.
Here is the story of birth and death of my first born daughter Jadelin Makena Longshore:
For a woman, having a baby is probably the most life-changing event of her life. For me, it was everything I dreamt it would be. As a young girl I would imagine my big belly, nice and round. I would imagine the miraculous, yet bizarre changes that my body would go through. And I would imagine that baby cooing in my arms as I rocked her gently with all my love. When I had my baby, it was all that I had imagined. What I didn’t imagine was what happened twenty hours after she was born. She stopped breathing and she died.

For most women who lose a child, it’s devastating. But for me it was a beautiful life-enriching experience. Here’s the story of Jadelin Makena Longshore’s birth and death:

It was July 9, 2005…

I was in the middle of preparing a birthday dinner for my friend Alexis when my water broke. It was five o’clock pm… the lamb chops were marinating and the freshly baked chocolate cake was cooling just out of the oven.

Aaron my husband was in the kitchen and said, “is that your water breaking?” in reaction to my “oh wow” when a gush of water flowed down my legs and onto the floor. I said, “no, I think it is just residual bath water finally coming out”. I was in denial. I had heard about the hysterical women who rush to the hospital thinking that they are in full labor when in fact it is just the very beginning of early contractions and they are sent home waiting sometimes for a whole day before the real thing happens.

I was having contractions, but I thought maybe they were just strong “braxton hicks” pangs and it was probably days until the real thing would come. Another thing was that I actually didn’t know who was going to deliver my baby, but I knew I wanted it to be at home. I had prenatal visits at Kaiser and with my midwife Heather knowing beforehand that she was going to be out of town during the window of time for my birth. I somehow trusted that the right person would be there for my birth. And anyway, that was just a gush of bath water… so nothing to worry about, right?

I decided to call my friend Anat to discuss the bath water gush. She told me that another midwife Tina just flew back into town and I should call her to see if she might be available. Tina did just land but wasn’t sure she could be there since she was committed to another mama who was having some early signs of labor… and she had to see if she could find someone to assist her.

My dinner guests had arrived and my contractions were getting stronger as I was frosting the cake. I would be in the middle of frosting and talking… and then oooohh– hold that thought for a contraction… and then back into the conversation and cake decorating. It was kind of exciting and fun… I was starting to think this might be the real thing!

Tina said she had found an assistant and that I should let her know when my contractions were closer to three minutes apart. Even though they were pretty regular at this point, (about five minutes apart) I decided that it would be best for Tina and her assistant, as well as me and Aaron, to get some sleep over night. I mentally told myself that I would hold off the serious contractions until at least sunrise.

I continued to have contractions throughout the night, but managed to sleep through a lot of it. And at sunrise 6am, the contractions were coming on cue about three minutes apart. I knew that if I put my mind to it, I could hold off contractions until everyone was well rested and ready to attend to Jadelin’s birth—and I was right!

When Tina and assistant Robin arrived at my house I cried tears of relief knowing that my birth team was with me. I was now certain that it was not just going to be me and Aaron figuring out how to birth on our own. I met Tina once and had never met Robin before, but I knew that instant that they were the right people to have by my side giving birth.

I had heard that each woman’s experience of giving birth takes on the shape of her personality. That was true in my case. At first I was very mellow, just going with the flow—sitting on an exercise ball or on the floor or walking around and breathing smoothly. I purposefully didn’t count or pay attention to how much time went by. I treated each contraction as an individual event and was delightfully aware of every nuance of what my body was doing to bring the baby closer to being in my arms. I was actually enjoying my labor and the miracle of it all. I felt sensations that some people might call pain, but to me I thought of it as an instinctive animal-like, god-given gift to help me push the baby out. I welcomed each contraction and found something new in every single one. … And as someone who likes to be productive, it was great to feel the sensation so that I could work with it to help bring the baby down. I thought of all the women who have epidurals and wondered, “how can they be productive when they can’t feel anything”? I also thought of all the women over centuries that have done exactly what I was doing and how natural it is. That said, after a time of being mellow, I got into strategic mode. I tried getting in different positions to see if it would help and at one point I decided that the most painful position must be the most productive—bent over in an “L” shape, with my upper body resting on a massage table and my legs firmly planted on the ground. So I tried that for a while until Tina said it didn’t look like the best position for gravity to help. I kind of laughed to myself after that thinking that “of course you would think that hard work and pain equals something good!” That was my belief at one time in my life—again birth resembling a part of my personality!

I didn’t know what time it was, but I was aware that the sun was going down. My intuitive midwives knew that I had some kind of block preventing my cervix from opening up. Tina and my friend Jeana drove me down to a nearby stream to contemplate by the water. They walked me across the parking lot and down across the rocks… all the while stopping for contractions as they came. I was delirious and couldn’t see anything around me, but I heard the sounds of families barbecuing and music. Tina said all the mothers knew exactly what is going on as they watched me labor as my women friends helped me to the stream.

The family picnic sounds disappeared and miraculously my vision cleared once we got near the water. After a time of appreciating nature, I saw a vision of an old Chinese man dressed in silk robes across the stream standing on an embankment. He stooped down to the water when I realized he had come there to drown a Chinese baby girl! At that moment it became clear to me what was holding me back from giving birth to my baby girl. My ancestors have been drowning baby girls for centuries. My father told me and my four sisters as we were growing up that if we had been born in China that he would have had us killed (probably drowning us as babies.) And throughout my childhood I thought that at any time he might decide to kill us anyway. I was never safe.

I realized that I feared for my own daughter being born and subconsciously thought that if she were born, she might be drowned like all the other Chinese girl babies. Being able to address this issue was a huge gift to me. I had tried to go there for years with self-help and professional therapists, but just couldn’t access it. I thought, “wow, labor gives you the opportunity to go really deep to face your demons and let them go. You are so open that there is clearer access to these deep seated issues and if you want to go there, you finally can.” I was so thankful and happy to receive this gift.

We got back to the house and my cervix began to open up. Again I thought about all the women that chose to be numbed by drugs and the opportunity that they are giving up when they do that… but I understand that some women are not ready to deal. I thought it must make labor really painful because there’s all that stuff blocking the way that you and the baby have to push through. So, yes it seems to be a choice subconscious or not. Once again, my labor showed me more of who I am and how I choose to live my life.

Now I was five centimeters and I could safely get into the tub that I so badly wanted to give birth in. The water felt so good on my back and soothed the intense back labor. Aaron got in the tub with me and that was soothing too. I was exhausted by this time (I had been laboring for 24 hours at this point) and between every contraction, I decided that I was going to sleep. Tina and Robin were amazed at how I would totally be zonked out, snoring and everything and then wake up for a contraction and slip right back into a deep sleep. I think this helped me keep my energy up for the long labor that I must have instinctively known I would need.

What was great about this exhaustion stage is that I finally got out of strategic mode and let my body just do its thing. Once my brain was out of the way, my contractions became stronger and more productive. There was an internal force that came in the middle of the contraction that pushed harder than I could have done myself. That helped to get me to eight centimeters. Just a few minutes later, Tina helped open me up to to ten– and I felt like celebrating, like I had just ran a marathon and hit the finish line. Aaron came in to the bedroom all excited. We knew we were close to seeing our baby!

I could feel the baby had moved down in the canal. This was the final stretch and it was time to push. You know, I never felt like I had to moan or scream like you see in the movies, but I did because I realized that it actually helps to push better. Robin held the two ends of a sarong and I grabbed on to the middle, screamed as loud as I could pulling and pushing with all that I could. I could feel each push brought her closer down. Tina said my pulse became as high as the baby’s and we should do the rest of the labor at the hospital. I didn’t question her for a second. I was dressed with my purse on my shoulder, but before we could leave the contractions came on so strong and fast that I couldn’t get up off the couch. Tina felt my baby’s head very close to the opening and I could feel Jadelin willfully wanting to come out. As I felt each contraction coming on, I mustered up all the energy I could and with every fiber of my being, I gave it my all, screaming as loud as I could. Her head was visible now! She was crowning! One more contraction and one more gutteral scream with every single fiber of strength that I could find in my body– I pushed her head out. I felt a sense of relief knowing that was the hardest part. With the next contraction I pushed just as hard and her shoulders popped out then the rest of her body slid out of me. I was so excited and proud that I did it! She cried a sweet cry with her first breath of air. Aaron pulled her up to my chest with Tina’s hands still cradling her after catching her. She began to breast feed right away. I was elated! Aaron was elated! This was the happiest moment of my life!

Aaron and I had just one beautiful day with our baby girl. I was so tired, but I stayed awake most of the time to just stare at her beauty. I didn’t realize I would only have these precious moments with her, but I cherished every single breath, gurgle, smile and her sweet baby smell. I marveled at what a wonderful dad Aaron was already– changing her diapers and making her smile. She seemed to me wise and alert for a newborn– able to follow my finger with her eyes, lift and turn her head and she would smile whenever Aaron held her. The time we had with her was so perfect, so magical. It felt like our little family was in a bubble of the most fantastic love you could ever imagine.

It was in the middle of the night… she was on my breast feeding when she drifted off… and stopped breathing. I think this is the most nurturing place that a baby can be when choosing to leave this world. We found out later that she had an enlarged heart; it was an anomaly that cannot be explained.

But for the first few minutes after her death, I did torture myself with thoughts that it may be my fault and tried to place blame somewhere. Then it dawned on me. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. It just was… you could say it was divine. Just like everything in life, there’s always a larger reason for things… but we just can’t see it at the time. When I look back on my life, I see that all things that happened (good or bad) had to happen for me to be who I am today. Every experience fits into the puzzle perfectly… and without the difficult times, there would be pieces missing… sort of like holes in my character. And when I look back I can see that those difficult times are what make me feel rich with complexity and compassion.

So when my baby died, I decided to trust life like I always do– trust that there is a larger reason that I just can’t see right now. My intuition told me that my baby’s little spirit had a purpose for living inside of me for nine months, pushing through the trauma of birth and looking into my eyes and my husband’s eyes with her sweet smile. She had her reasons for being on this earth just as we all have our reasons. My husband and I talked about how the person that dies isn’t the one in pain, so there is no reason to feel bad for them. But what we are really feeling is our own sadness and the loss of our expectations of her life with us. We pictured her growing up… what her hair would look like and what her eye color would be. We pictured her learning to crawl and walk and calling us Mommy and Daddy. We pictured her learning how to surf and growing up to do things that would make us proud. We pictured our little family curled up on the couch, watching movies together or snuggled up together in our big king-sized bed. All of these thoughts that made us sad, we realized, were just ideas and expectations we had for her life. In actuality these ideas are just ideas and never really existed. That means what we are missing and feeling sad about is something that doesn’t really exist. That didn’t mean, however, that I didn’t have the right to be sad and mourn.

Somehow, knowing that there is a larger purpose for her life and death… And knowing that our sadness is for something that never was, made our pain dissapate. What we were left with was an experience that enriched us. The joy of creating life, giving birth and seeing our happy baby in our arms is still with us. No one can take that experience away from us.

I wrote emails telling friends and family about how Aaron and I were not devastated by her death, instead we felt enriched, stronger and more in love from the experience. People called to talk to us and others came to visit…. And everyone seemed to say that they were so emotionally distraught until they heard from us. Somehow our peacefulness about our baby’s death was not only a relief to them. They said it was also inspiring.

When Aaron and I looked at our life we saw that we were happy before the baby was born and we are still happy now. We have all that we had before and now in addition, we have this incredible experience.

We did grieve. I believe it is important to take time to grieve. I realized that it is possible to be happy, enjoy life and grieve at the same time. There are no rules. Everyone’s grief process is different and it’s best for each person to allow themselves to grieve in their own way. There is no timeline, no cut-off point to your grief. In order to heal, I found it best to “indulge” every step of my process and be gentle with myself. It wasn’t always easy. When I had to leave the house and go to the store for the first time in nine months without my baby with me, I felt as if I was I was missing a body part—like I left my right arm at home. I knew that strangers couldn’t understand why I had this big belly still (without a baby present) and why I had a hard time walking across the parking lot. I told myself that this was my adjustment period and to be patient and I would feel whole again one day soon. What was also hard was that my body’s mothering instincts continued to remind me that there was supposed to be a baby there to mother. My milk and my hormones were still flowing causing my body to ache for that child to nurse and to nurture. Still, I knew in time, this would pass and I told my self to be patient in my grieving.

My husband had his own way of grieving. As we allowed each other to grieve in our own ways, we supported each other every step of the way. That brought us closer together in a situation that can tear people apart.

It’s been a little more than a year since my baby girl died… and although I don’t think about her that often, I still believe I am happily grieving and probably will for many years to come. Aaron and I are expecting our baby boy in any day now and we are very excited to welcome him into our lives. Still no matter how many children I have, the experience that I had with my baby girl will stay with me and no one can or will ever take her place.

Whether you are a first-time mom, someone who has lost a child or someone who has brought a child into this world, I hope Jadelin’s story has shed a new perspective on life and death and how beautiful it can be. I now see the threshold of life beginning and life ending as the same—a soul transitioning from one space of existence to another. And as I look to the future with my baby boy about to be born and the inevitability of older relatives and loved ones dying—I feel peace and joy knowing that I can embrace those events fully with the wisdom learned from Jadelin’s birth and death.