We all know there is a larger purpose for the so-called “bad” things that happen in life, but life will only reveal that purpose when you are ready and open to receive it.

I’ve recently been introduced to two women who have lost their babies. One baby was 7 weeks old and the other was a miscarriage. I know that my experience with losing my baby is valuable and I am actually glad that it all happened (as strange as it may sound) for many reasons.
I wrote the following piece after my daughter died and updated it when I was still pregnant about 6 months ago.  I hope anyone who has lost a child or anyone dealing with death can gain something from my experience and perspective.

Losing A Child

By Angeline Longshore

For a woman, having a baby is probably the most life-changing event of her life.  For me, it was everything I dreamt it would be.  As a young girl I would imagine my big belly, nice and round.  I would imagine the miraculous, yet bizarre changes that my body would go through.  And I would imagine that baby cooing in my arms as I rocked her gently with all my love.  When I had my baby, it was all that I had imagined.  What I didn’t imagine was what happened twenty hours after she was born.  She stopped breathing and she died.

For most women who lose a child, it’s devastating.  I know a woman who couldn’t leave her house for a year she was so stricken with grief.  For me it was different.  Yes, I was in shock for a little while and of course I was sad.  I missed the ever-present feeling of her being against my body, her little beautiful face looking up at me and her baby smell that I had grown attached to even in that short period of time.

For the first few minutes after her death, I did torture myself with thoughts that it may be my fault and tried to place blame somewhere.  Then it dawned on me.  It wasn’t anyone’s fault.  It just was… you could say it was divine.  Just like everything in life, there’s always a larger reason for things… but we just don’t know it.  When I look back on my life, I see that all things that happened (good or bad) had to happen for me to be who I am today.  Every experience fits into the puzzle perfectly… and without the difficult times, there would be pieces missing… sort of like holes in my character.  And when I look back I can see that those difficult times are what make me feel rich with complexity and compassion.

So when my baby died, I decided to trust life like I always do– trust that there is a larger reason that I just can’t see right now.  My intuition told me that my baby’s little spirit had a purpose for living inside of me for nine months, pushing through the trauma of birth and looking into my eyes and my husband’s eyes with her sweet smile.  She had her reasons for being on this earth just as we all have our reasons.  My husband and I talked about how the person that dies isn’t the one in pain, so there is no reason to feel bad for them.  But what we are really feeling is our sadness and the loss of our expectations of her life with us.  We pictured her growing up… what her hair would look like and what her eye color would be.  We pictured her learning to crawl and walk and calling us Mommy and Daddy.  We pictured her learning how to surf and growing up to do things that would make us proud.  We pictured our little family curled up on the couch, watching movies together or snuggled up together in our big king-sized bed.  All of these thoughts that made us sad, we realized, were just ideas and expectations we had for her life.  In actuality these ideas never really existed.  That means what we are missing and feeling sad about is something that doesn’t really exist.  That didn’t mean, however, that I didn’t have the right to be sad and mourn.

Somehow, knowing that there is a larger purpose for her life and death… And knowing that our sadness is for something that never was, made our pain dissapate.  What we were left with was an experience that enriched us.  The joy of creating life, giving birth and seeing our happy baby in our arms is still with us.  No one can take that experience away from us.
When my husband and I looked at our life we saw that we were happy before the baby was born and we are still happy now.  We have all that we had before and now in addition, we have this incredible experience.

We did grieve.  It is important to take time to grieve.  I realized that it is possible to be happy, enjoy life and grieve at the same time.  There are no rules.  Everyone’s grief process is different and it’s best for each person to allow themselves to grieve in their own way.  There is no timeline, no cut-off point to grief.  In order to heal, I found it best to “indulge” every step of my process and be gentle with myself.  It wasn’t always easy.  When I had to leave the house and go to the store for the first time in nine months without my baby with me, I felt as if I was I was missing a body part—like I left my right arm at home.  I knew that strangers couldn’t understand why I had this big belly still (without a baby present) and why I had a hard time walking across the parking lot.  I told myself that this was my adjustment period and to be patient and I would feel whole again one day soon.  What was also hard was that my body’s mothering instincts continued to remind me that there was supposed to be a baby there to mother.  My milk and my hormones were still flowing causing my body to ache for that child to nurse and to nurture.  Still, I knew in time, this would pass and I told my self to be patient in my grieving.

My husband had his own way of grieving.  As we allowed each other to grieve in our own ways, we supported each other every step of the way.  That brought us closer together in a situation that can tear people apart.

I wrote emails telling friends and family about how my husband and I were not devastated by her death, instead we felt enriched, stronger and more in love from the experience.  People called to talk to us and others came to visit…. And everyone seemed to say that they were so emotionally distraught until they heard from us.  Somehow our peacefulness about our baby’s death was not only a relief to them.  They said it was also inspiring.

It’s been a little less than a year since my baby girl died… and although I don’t think about her that often, I still believe I am happily grieving and probably will for many years to come.  My husband and I are expecting a baby boy in just a few months and we are very excited to welcome him into our lives.  Still no matter how many children I have, the experience that I had with my baby girl will stay with me and no one can or will ever take her place.

Whether you are a first-time pregnant mom, someone who has lost a child or someone who has brought a child into this world, I hope my baby girl’s story has shed a new perspective on life and death and how beautiful it can be.  I believe one reason she was born is to inspire all that hear her story.

I now see that threshold of the beginning of life and the ending of life as the same—a wonderous transition for our souls to move in and out of in order to experience our personal journey.  And as I look to the future with my baby boy about to be born and the inevitability of older relatives and loved ones dying—I feel peace and joy knowing that I can embrace those events fully.  With the wisdom learned from Jadelin’s birth and death, I can send them off on their journey with all of my blessings and love as I did with Jadelin.

Jadelin Makena Longshore
July 11, 2006- July 12, 2006 – living in spirit form to infinity~
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Hey, if you’re about to have a baby or know someone who is, you’ve gotta hear about this…

I didn’t know if it would be possible to potty train an infant even though I had read about it. But I can tell you now that it really works. My son started pooping in the potty at 6 & 1/2 weeks old!

Here’s what happened…

Every day after we came home from our walk when I would change his wet diaper, he would start to poop. After it happened a few times at different times of the day, I realized that he was holding on until we got home and onto his changing table. I thought since he’s associating the changing table with pooping, why not just change the association to the potty.

Since I am a stay-at-home-mom, I have the luxury of watching him very closely, so I noticed the cues he would give me before he was going to poop. He would push his legs out straight and make little grunting sounds. I’m sure each child probably has different cues.

When he was on the changing table I used to say “poop-poop or poopy-poopy” telling him to poop it out so I could then put a clean diaper on him. So when I put him on the potty, he recognized the words and would literally begin to push when I would say the words.

Even when we are away from the house for many hours, he will try to wait to poop in the potty at home and he is now only 8 weeks old.

What I love about this:

It makes life so much easier now that I don’t have to clean poopy diapers. I can wash my cloth diapers in one cycle instead of having to do the cold rinse first, saving time, energy and water.

I can tell that Cam (my baby boy) knows that I know that he has to poop, so he feels understood. This is a major thing to be able to let your child know that you understand him. I think it makes them feel more secure and less frustrated and alienated. It creates a special bond being able to essentially communicate before the baby can talk. When he feels he is being understood, everything is right in his world.

I read (actually skimmed) Infant Potty Training by Laurie Boucke. The book is pretty long citing other countries that have been using the techniques for ages and a whole section on testimonals. I’m sure there are shorter, simpler books on the subject. A friend of mine just bought a DVD on it, but in my experience it is pretty simple.
Want some tips to try it yourself? Here’s my advice:
•Watch for cues from your baby– vocal sounds and body language.
•Be consistent with using a certain word or sound when you talk to your baby about poop (and pee).

•Use the same potty or bowl or receptacle consistently so your baby associates pooping with that place.

•Be encouraging and loving when you change your baby’s diapers and when pooping on the potty. Your baby can detect if you associate poop with negative feelings or if you love his poop as much as you love him Let him know he did a good thing and you’re happy about it.
•Make sure he is comfortable and happy on the potty. I talk to him with a happy, soothing voice and sometimes breast-feed while he’s on the potty to keep him content. I don’t keep him there for too long so he won’t get frustrated with the process.

•Use your intuition to sense if it is time to poop.

•Pay attention to patterns: time of day, after a long nap, after waking in the morning, etc.

•Commit to trying to make every big poop in the potty. It takes lots of effort on the parents part to create the consistency. Effective training is about consistency and association to only using the potty.

My next effort is to get Cam to pee in the potty every time. Talk about commitment… he sometimes pees every 15 minutes! I haven’t yet learned his cues for peeing. I’ll need to stop putting a waterproof diaper cover on him so that I can tell when he’s actually peeing.

I’ll let you know how that goes

Your Sensible Girlfriend,

Angeline

Ok, here is an update to my potty training experience/experiment… and here’s what I’ve found:
It doesn’t take very long at all to get your baby to pee consistently in the potty, but it is a major commitment for you the parent. It took Cam just a couple of days to understand the potty is the place to pee.

The first few days I would guess when it seemed like he would need to pee. I sat him on the potty and made psshhh-psshh sounds and said pee-pee to give him a verbal cue. After a couple days my husband and I noticed that he would kick his legs and sometimes cry before he needed to pee. (It’s very important to have the support of any other caretakers in on the potty training too!) And after a couple of days I noticed that when I made the pee-pee sounds he would actually try to pee on the potty by flexing his hip muscles. I wasn’t sure though if he was associating peeing with being placed on the potty until I tried making the pee-pee sounds when we were at the beach– and sure enough he peed right on cue!

At night it was pretty predictable as to when to get him to the potty. In the middle of the night I would feel him kicking me as he was asleep and everytime it was when he needed to pee. The challenging part was when I decided to transition him from sleeping in bed with me to sleeping in a bassinet next to the bed– I couldn’t feel him kick me anymore, but I discovered that I could hear his legs moving around and he would make a certain sound when it was time.

We’ve had several nights in a row now with a totally dry diaper! I am more tired because I am constantly looking at him to see if he’s kicking, but I’m sure I’ll get used to trusting his sounds as my cue.

A friend asked me about pooping, how long do you keep him on the potty. I told her to use your intuition which I do… but I also noticed that in watching his leg and feet, I can tell if he is still in the pushing mode or totally done if he is relaxed.

I also discovered a great product called “potty on the go”. We used it today at our breastfeeding support group and it worked great! Cam pooped and peed and it was easy, clean and efficient! It is a collapsable potty that fits in your diaper bag! It comes with special plastic bags that act as the “well” of the pot. The bags have an absorbent pad at the bottom. I think you can use any plastic bag really and it’ll still work. A friend suggested an eco-friendly solution of using bio-degradable corn husk bags. I like that idea a lot, but I’ll have to see how easy they are to find, how waterproof they are and if they are not too pricey.

I am still struggling to make potty training work when we are out and about. I find that I am not clued into him as well since I’m being distracted by whatever I’m doing. And when he cries to let me know, I haven’t been able to be quick enough to get his diaper off and find an appropriate place to pee. I’m not sure that the potty on the go will solve those problems… hmmm. I’ll let you know if I discover anything that makes it easier. For now I’m thrilled that all of this is working so well… thanks to Cam

hey there,

i started this blog with the best intentions, but life got in the way. i grieved the death of my first born child who lived only one day… i got caught up in writing, producing and directing a travel destination/dramedy show for the airlines… and i went through another pregnancy and birth of my beautiful son Cam… and here i am today.

because of these experiences, i have a lot to share with you. i have so much more than i have time to write, but check in with me from time to time. i hope to get stuff up often enough to keep it interesting.

btw– i may write in all lower case sometimes when i’m holding the baby in my other hand.

thanks for connecting with me,

angeline