What Makes a Man Want to Get Married?
It’s a question a lot of women I know ask themselves over and over. Why am I not attracting a guy who wants to get married? If they have a certain guy in mind they wonder, What is he looking for? or How can I get him to marry me? or Why hasn’t he asked me to get married? They don’t know what it is that compels a man to marry but they suspect it is something they can influence.
Some of us try being sexy, fun and playful thinking that a man will be lured in and want to stay. Some of us try to be indispensable, nurturing him so well that he’ll want you in his life indefinitely. Whatever way you’ve played it, most of us will try everything we can to be what we think he wants us to be.
And that’s the thing, we women get caught up in what can I do to make him love me (consciously or subconsciously) And the underlying thought behind that is what’s not right with me. We’ll talk more about that later.
So once we try our hardest to get him to love us (aka marry us) and it doesn’t work, we end up thinking he’s just a jerk or he can’t commit. Then several guys later, we tend to think there are just a bunch of jerks or commitment-phobes out there. But then sometimes shockingly, he marries the next girl. We wonder what didn’t I do right and/or what does she have that I don’t. Then eventually you’re saying to yourself, what’s wrong with me?
If you look at married women, they’re usually not what you’d think of as the perfect woman. You wonder how is it that some of them got their husbands to marry them.
And that’s just it. Many of these women didn’t get their husbands to marry them. The men chose to marry these women.
So who do men choose to marry?
Alison Armstrong, the creator of Understanding Men seminars says that men marry their wives. And she’s right. But what does that mean?
Men will be attracted to and want to date the sexy, playful Temptress type. And men will hang out and live for years with the nurturing Mother types or a combination of the two. These qualities are important in attracting a man and in sustaining a relationship but who men will want to marry is a woman that inspires them and feels like their Queen.
What does a Queen look like?
This woman will be able to run his castle, hold down the fort when he’s away and watch his back. She has the confidence of a queen, a clear vision of who she is and how to be in command of their realm. She feels like his rock. This is what inspires the man and makes him feel like he can be king of his kingdom.
Men recognize whether a woman is their queen (or not) fairly quickly. It doesn’t take long and then they can’t wait to get married. Armstrong says instinctively after nine months, a woman is usually disappointed if he hasn’t popped the question, but she,ll keep hoping holiday after holiday, year after year that it,ll happen. Not coincidentally, it takes nine months to create a baby and it doesn’t take much longer for a man to know whether you,re it or not.
The key thing is that a man has to see you as his wife (his queen) and must must must feel inspired to want to marry you.
So how do I become this inspiring Queen?
One of the most important qualities in the queen is confidence.
And one thing Id’ve heard out of the mouths of men in Armstrong’s seminars is that probably the most attractive attribute is a woman’s confidence.
It’s an inner confidence that he’s talking about– knowing who she is, holding herself in high regard and being comfortable in her own skin.
How can I show a man that kind of confidence?
If you are with a man and you’re saying to yourself (consciously or subconsciously) what’s not right with me? he will see it. Inner confidence starts with loving and accepting yourself and all that you are. If you feel valuable and worthy with or without him, he will sense this. If you honor and respect yourself, he will see that.
Inner confidence allows a woman to be real, to show her real self.
In Armstrong’s seminars, men also said they are attracted to genuine women. A man can smell fakeness a mile away so that means he can tell if you are trying to be something you are not in order to attract him! Self-acceptance actually allows you to truly be yourself.
So you’re saying if I truly love and accept myself so will a man?
Yes, it’s more likely to happen than not. Why? Because it’s easy to fall in love with someone who loves themselves. If he can see what you love about yourself, you make it easy for him to fall in love. And more importantly, if you are truly being yourself around him he can clearly see if you are his queen. If you fit his personal definition of his queen, then a man will feel inspired to make you a permanent fixture in his life. (If you don’t fit his idea of his wife, he may hang out for years, even decades, but not feel inspired to marry.)
Armstrong also says attracting a man and creating a lasting, happy marriage requires more than just being his queen.
A Queen can rule his world, but you will keep him happy and interested if you’re also a little bit of the nurturing Mother and the playful Temptress.
What if I truly feel confident and I love and accept myself, but I’m still not attracting the marrying man?
If you have the self-accepting inner confidence of the Queen, but not the playful, flirty Temptress and the nurturing Mother side showing, then a man may not see the balance that he needs in a wife. Not only do men crave those feminine sides of us, but those aspects fulfill other sides of who we really are as women. Expressing all three is fulfilling and rewarding to both ourselves and our men (or the man you want to attract).
And if you’re in a relationship that hasn’t led to marriage, there may be something there you need in order to learn to be Queenly and to be ready for your king.
START BY LOVING AND ACCEPTING ALL THAT YOU ARE. AND WHEN YOU MEET HIM, LIVE UN-APOLOGETICALLY BY FULLY BEING YOURSELF! THE RIGHT MAN WILL SEE YOU AS HIS QUEEN.
Angeline Chew-Longshore is a television news and print journalist specializing in wellness, personal growth, sexuality and womens issues.
© 2006 Angeline Chew-Longshore