(Article As Seen In Mauimama Magazine April 2012)
Since Springtime is about growth, renewal and life, it’s the perfect time to renew and enliven your relationship with play. Play helps children in so many ways. Here’s how it it can be used as a parenting tool to stop power struggles.
Real life power struggle scenario:
My boys were playing in the Childwatch room at the YMCA with a sweet young boy. His mom and I came to pick up our kids after working out. Our boys were having so much fun together that our new friend did not want to go. At first he refused to put away toys and started to get upset. I said, “hey, let’s play a game. Let’s see which dinosaurs win the race jumping into the bin!” He immediately got excited about playing the game and the boys put away all the dinosaurs while laughing and having fun. Next I said, “who wants to push the ‘dinosaur train’ to the shelf? Whoo-whoo!” All boys took a side pushing the box of dinosaurs together and lifted the box on to the shelf. Next the boy refused to put his slippers on. His mom spent some time trying to convince him to put them on and with each minute, his stubbornness began to grow stronger and stronger. I finally stepped in saying, “do you know how an inch-worm moves?” This immediately stopped his tantrum. I put my finger down near his slipper and inched it along showing him. I asked him playfully, “can your toes walk like an inch worm into your slippers?” He smiled liking the idea of his toes walking like an inch worm and in seconds both slippers we on his feet. I assured him that we would see him soon and play with him again. He said, “okay” and left with his mom without a struggle.
How did I know how to help this child? I am not a miracle mom who is just magical with children (there are some who are, but that is not me). The truth is, I had just started reading a book called Playful Parenting by child psychologist Lawrence J. Cohen, phD. He talks about stopping power struggles in this way, which does not come naturally to many parents, including me. I often step back and see myself getting caught up in the “treadmill of life”, focused on completing tasks that I have for the day. I remember thinking when I was a young child, “why are adults so serious? They can do anything they want, so why don’t they choose to have fun?” My answer to that now is, we adults often forget we have the choice to make life fun.
Some parents might say, “I don’t have time to play every time my child gets upset.” Or “the child should just learn to listen.” Or “I don’t want to be too lenient with my child or he/she will think he can get away with everything.”
Cohen says that when a young child is locked in a power struggle, his/her mind does not have the ability to learn or reason. The child becomes mentally focused on what they want (or don’t want), making them more and more distraught and feeling more and more isolated. In this isolation, the child feels unloved and misunderstood. This sets up an antagonistic relationship with the parent, does not make the child want to behave the next time, only more resentful, especially if more reprimanding occurs. This resentment will be released later as seemingly unreasonable, bad behavior, passive aggressive behavior or powerlessly giving up in hopeless dissociation. What works to break the child’s negative focus is to connect with the child. You can try to sit a child down to talk with him/her or hug him or try to look her in the eye, but in many cases, the child will turn away. Playfully connecting breaks down that wall the child protectively builds in a light and easy way. It is quick. Quicker than arguing or trying to convince your child to behave. It changes that antagonistic relationship to make them feel like you are on the same team. Playing and laughing together makes them feel loved rather than disciplining him/her for having emotions. Children release feelings through play. Instead of talking things out, they play through their feelings to work through their emotions and that helps them to let things go.
Ways To Stop A Power Struggle:
1. Connect through play.
2. Make the child laugh.
3. Turn it into a game or something fun.
4. Do something silly or ridiculous to make them laugh or distract them.
5. Talk to them in playful way.
5.Use laughing together as a way to connect.
After making them laugh and play, they will be open to listening to your direction or request and feel happy to do what you ask. It works like magic!
If you need permission, here it is: Go ahead and have some fun!
Your Sensible Girlfriend
In my house, cute goes a long way. These two-inch crispy yum nuggets went over very well with my three and four year-old (and my husband who saw them and literally said, “Wow! Yum!”) Within minutes their plates were clean! I’m loving this because in each two-bite morsel, they ate a well-rounded meal– protein, vegetables and grains. And on top of that it was so easy to make!
I was inspired by the cooking show called Chopped where two chefs battle against each other to make the best dish using whatever ingredients are in their basket. The chef from Portland made some kind of potato cakes out of random ingredients and they looked fabulous.
My battle was similar, using whatever I happened to have in my refrigerator, I found purple potatoes, a tiny bit of leftover chopped green onion, a yellow onion, cilantro, leftover cornmeal/panko that I had mixed for a past meal, and three salmon filets in the freezer. Sure, I could have just baked the salmon, boiled the potatoes, and enjoyed a simple meal. But the Portland chef’s potato cakes popped into my head and I knew this combo could work.
While my kids and I were making a pirate ship out of a milk carton, I boiled the potatoes and stuck the frozen fish fillets in hot water. (These were the kind that come sealed in plastic soaking in a red pepper marinade.) This hot water immersion is the quickest and easiest way to cook this type of fish. No pans to clean afterward! Once the fish was cooked, I tossed it into a large bowl with egg, chopped cilantro, both green and yellow onions, the purple potatoes smashed and added some cumin, cayenne, chili powder, lemon juice, salt and pepper.
Next, I formed little patties and dusted them with the cornmeal/panko mixture.
The little cakes turned golden brown in coconut oil cooked over medium heat. From start to finish (with child interruptions) it took about an hour to prepare and cook. I dropped a dollup of marinara sauce on each cake, placed in on a lettuce leaf and voila! Dinner is served!
The next time you don’t know what to make for dinner, think about throwing your random odds and ends into a potato pancake! You could use almost any meat ground, chicken or fish; most vegetables diced small, and a variety of herbs and spices which could range from Mexican flavors to Italian Flavors to New American to East Indian or Asian Flavors. It is definitely the cutest, most versatile, easy dinners that I’ve conjured up while cleaning out the leftovers in my fridge! Now that is a sensible meal!
Bon Appetit!
Your Sensible Girlfriend
I never knew I had a green thumb. I grew up with parents who kept us indoors and cautioned against getting dirty, which meant I never played in the dirt or even touched it.
And then recently I decided to grow my own food. (Reasons: concern with GMO foods, limited choice of organic produce, to show my kids where food really comes from, and my love of food and cooking fresh, flavorful food.) As a person who never touched dirt, of course I had no idea of what I was doing. I started off with okay results. …And then my friend (Sandra) introduced me to small batch composting. Suddenly my garden went gang-busters! Everything started to look healthy and robust, really alive!
Like many people I’ve talked to, composting had never worked for me in the past. I found it difficult and it seemed to bring more bugs into my house than into my garden. But small-batch composting (as I call it) is totally different. It is so easy and the results make it sort of addictive. It has made my garden so lush that my friend’s husband actually gasped when he saw my garden and immediately wanted to know why it suddenly looked so good.
So here’s how to Small-Batch Compost:
Find a spot where you can dig a small hole. Don’t worry if your soil is rock hard and you can only dig a few inches deep, that is actually deep enough.
Next throw in your compostable food waste. I dump in the refuse from my juicer, so everything is already in tiny shreds (which makes the process go faster). But you can throw in anything that was grown from the ground.
Next cover it with dirt so that none of the debris is showing. Turn and chop the soil maybe once or twice before a week is up.
In just a week you will have dirt that looks like “devils food cake” as my friend Sandra puts it. This dirt is so full of nutrients because you have just “fed” it. And that is all there is to small-batch composting! Yes, it is that easy! Make sure you spread this nutrient-rich soil all over your garden. Mix the soil up well before you plant your seeds. (I’ve learned to sprout them first before planting them). You will be amazed at the speed your plants will grow and how vibrant your garden will look!
Good Luck and Happy Gardening,
Your Sensible Girlfriend
(Two Year Old In Training, Washing His Dishes)
(Three Years Old Now, Washes Dishes Without Help)
Article As Seen In The Mauimama Magazine (Scroll Down For New Info Below)
It’s a given, your children are going to test your patience, push the boundaries. They are going to misbehave. Mine certainly do.
Accomplices With The Sharpie Pen
The hardest for me is when I am sleep deprived (and as we mamas know, that is almost always!) I would wake up crabby and tend to snap at my kids if I was tired. I didn’t like who I was when I was this way and it was not good for my children. I knew I needed to do something to change this. Then the idea came to me: I needed to train my kids to start their day. Only then, could I wake up refreshed with a smile and a reserve tank full of patience. Only then could I be the mother I intended to be.
Flash forward, a year later: My friend, a Waldorf school teacher with young kids of her own, came to visit from the mainland. She asked me, “when do your kids wake up in the morning”? (My boys are three and four years old) She was shocked when I told her my kids wake up around six-thirty, but I get up around seven-thirty. She was even more shocked to learn that they get their own breakfast and wash their dishes all on their own while I sleep in! She asked me how I get them to do this? My answer: rhythm, repetition and training. (I am not suggesting that you can leave any child unattended. You have to gage whether your child is emotionally and physically ready… that is after you spend the time to properly train him or her so that they feel safe, confident, happy and are competent in what they are doing.)
My belief is children come into this world with their own innate wisdom and they are capable of more than we usually think. But at the same time, as they assimilate into this world, they need to learn the rules according to societal culture as well as your family’s rules and values. However, we can’t just expect them to know how to behave. We need to tell them what we expect from them, and train them to do it to our level of expectation. (Fact of Life: You get what you expect!). So how can we best get them to voluntarily heed our guidance?
3 Years Old Folding Clothes
I have the fortunate advantage of remembering what it is like to be a child since I can clearly recall life as early as the crawling stage. From this perspective, I can tell you what helps children to behave.
(Web-Only Info Starts Here:)
• Children need to be told what to do. Choices at an early age are confusing. If given no choice and trained early on, children just take it as a given, that this is what is supposed to happen.
(My children have been trained to get their own oatmeal out of the rice cooker, pour their own milk from a small stainless steel pitcher, and pour their own syrup- each get a tiny dish of syrup set at the table. There’s no argument about what they are going to have for breakfast!)
• Rhythm and Routine Make Life Predictable. Predictability makes their world seem safe. It builds self esteem because they feel like they “get it”; they have a sense of control over their life.
• Giving children tasks at the top of their ability level and showing them that you trust them builds great self confidence and self esteem.
• Children Can Be Taught What To Believe. We parents can shape their belief system. I tell my kids that they are each other’s best friend. I’ve said it so may times that they parrot my words and believe it themselves.
• Children Need Step By Step Training on how to do something, several times.
• Children Need To Be Told And Reminded Over And Over. My mom used to say, “I will tell you a hundred times until you get it”. Sometimes it takes having that kind of mentality to have patience to repeat yourself again and again.
• Children Respond Better Doing It The Same Way Every Time. Yes, they can be flexible, but when you are “in training” they take hold of the concept easier if it’s the same every time.
• Children Feel More Confident When They Are Told What Is Going To Happen That Day. It makes them feel safe knowing what to expect. If you give them a visual picture in their mind’s eye of their good behavior, it helps them to see themselves being good in that situation.
• Children Will Know How To Behave If They Know What Is Expected Of Them. They need to be told what they can do and what they can’t do.
• Children Want To Know The Rules, Who Is In Charge and They Will Be Treated Fairly.
Exactly How Did I Train My Children?
For our morning routine, I first needed to teach them how to get their own breakfast. One day I told them (in a very positive and excited voice) “we’re doing something new! You are going to learn how to get your own oatmeal out of the rice cooker, so that when you are sooo hungry right when you wake up, you can get it yourself and you don’t have to wait for mommy!” They were very excited to try this. I walked them over to the rice cooker which I put on the seat of a chair so they can reach it. I showed them how to open it and scoop out oatmeal without getting burned. I let them each try it themselves. Then we set our bowls on the table where I had set out a tiny bowl of maple syrup with plastic wrap covering it and a spoon next to it. And I walked them over to the refrigerator where I had placed a stainless steel pitcher of milk low enough for them to reach. We brought the milk to the table, poured the milk and syrup into the bowl. They loved being allowed to pour their own syrup and milk even though it is a small portion; they were just into having control over something they thought was cool. We stirred and blew on it until it was not hot anymore. I did this with both my boys for five days, showing them step by step. By the third day, the three year old was pushing me aside saying, “I know how to do it.”. After that, he wanted to do it for the two year old, but the two year old wanted to do it himself. They loved being self sufficient!
Repetition makes it stick:
After the five days of training, they came to me in the morning as usual saying they were hungry, I said, “remember, you know how to get your own oatmeal, so you don’t need mommy anymore!” They laughed and beamed with pride saying, “oh yea!” I told them that I was going to rest in bed a little more while they ate and that they could wash their bowl and spoon after eating. (I had trained them in the same way to wash their bowls and spoons.). Then they ran off excited to get their oatmeal all on their own.
(Smiley Face Incentive Charts)
To keep the motivation up, I also give them an incentive to getting their own breakfast, washing their dishes and any other thing that I want them to do (like get dressed quickly, put away toys and get in the car with their seat belts fastened). The incentive is: for each task they complete, they get a smiley face drawn on a chart. Once they have five smileys, they get a piece of gum (xylitol gum which is good for their teeth). (I make getting five smileys very easy to show them how good they can be every day. This gives them a good self image.) Because of this incentive, they are eager and willing to do all these tasks very quickly! We can get out the door in the morning with them fed, the house clean and no power struggles! Even better, I have a smile on my face from being well rested with an hour more sleep and I am more energized to be engaged and patient with them all day.
Motivating Reward (Xylitol Chewing Gum)
Other things I’ve trained my kids to do:
Water the garden and house plants
Brush teeth (although I still help to get them really clean)
Sort dirty dark and light clothes, put clothes in the laundry and move them to the dryer when they hear the beep.
Fold clothes and put them away.
Run the bath water and take a bath (I make sure they get scrubbed clean)
Drain the bath tub and put bath toys away
Get in bed and fall asleep by 7:30pm
Rhythm: The great thing about getting them into the routine of doing these things is that they accept these tasks as part of life so there is no fight in getting them to do it. And when you follow the same routine every day, it sets up a rhythm. This rhythm makes them feel safe and confident because life is predictable and they know what they are supposed to do next.
*A very important part to training your kids is making sure you spend each day giving your child a good amount of your focused attention playing and interacting in ways that nourish their soul. If you don’t do this very important part, they will not take to the training very well. They will feel like they are just being ordered around like soldiers without demonstrative actions of your love. If their love tank is full, then they are eager to please you.
Some examples of what I do to fill up their soul love tank:
-Spend individual “special time” with each of them (can be as little as 5 minutes) (we do this everyday)
-Sit on the floor and play with them
-Engage in imaginary play with them
-Read books to them
-Sit down with them to tell stories that I make up
-Bake or cook with them
-Work on arts and craft projects or science experiments with them
-Have them participate in gardening with me
-Include them in my daily household work, asking them to help with specific tasks
Performing A Puppet Show
4 Year Old Shucking Corn
My Boys Helping In The Garden
Marble Slide Project (Toilet Paper Tube Construction)
Science Experiment- Making "Quick Sand"/"Slime"
Canoe Paddle Craft
TeePee Frame (Sticks From Our Yard)
I do at least four of the items from the list (above) with them daily. If I do less, we will have more whining, neediness, or acting out. These are signs that their love tank needs to be refilled.
Training kids into behaving well is just one tool of parenting that I use. And believe me, I am forever learning more. And again, my kids are far from perfect, but understanding them and training them helps ease the the way to many smoother sailing days.
Wishing you lots of happy days with your children,
Your Sensible Girlfriend
A mother’s intuition is an astonishing phenomenon. Against all statistics, against all odds, against knowledgeable, expert advice, a mother can know what is best for her child. Elizabeth Davis, author of Orgasmic Birth calls it the “mother-mind, a highly intuitive way of thinking”. I’ve learned to, above all, listen to it- what I call this wisdom of the heart, especially when it comes to parenting or the health of my children.
Before having children, I wasn’t always this tuned in. I used to be ruled by my thoughts. My mind told me to take jobs that were not good for me, stay in relationships that were no longer healthy, and make choices that were swayed by doubt and fear. I would think things out in my head, analyze a situation, make lists taking into account all the pluses and minuses and make decisions from there. This is called thinking with your head. This kind of thinking built me a life that sounded good and looked good on paper (I was a television producer living a Beverly Hills lifestyle full of shopping on Rodeo Drive, getting spa treatments and going to all the hot spots in town)… But deep down I knew there was a life more satisfying than this. And I found it by learning to “think” or listen to my heart’s wisdom. The heart has a way of pushing aside the fears, doubt and wishful thinking to allow you to see a perspective that is the most true for you… And that ultimately leads to a fulfilling life.
The Institute of HeartMath in Boulder Creek, California has produced scientific evidence to backup the “intelligent heart” theory. Research has shown that the heart is more than just a pump. Similar to the brain, it actually communicates with the body! Neurologically, the heart sends messages to the brain. It also sends energy through the pulse as a blood pressure wave. Biochemically, it releases a chemical which blocks stress hormones. Electromagnetically, it produces an electric signal that can be picked up anywhere on the body as well as the space around us (this space is called your aura).
The founders of HeartMath agree, if we tune in to our hearts, it helps us to make better decisions, to give balance to our emotions and thoughts, and is the key to a fulfilling life.
So how can you tune into your heart?
My technique is to be very quiet and still. I focus on my heart while I ask a question or feel out a situation. The key is to feel for the answer in your heart rather than to search with your mind. Your mind may try to influence with doubt or wanting, but if you truly tune into the higher wisdom of your heart, the truth will reveal itself. Your job is to listen.
The HeartMath people have other helpful techniques.
Excerpt From care2.com:
Step 1. Notice and admit what you are feeling.
To gain more insight about your emotions, you will need to become more aware of what you are feeling. Noticing and admitting what you are feeling requires slowing down and taking stock. Periodically, throughout the day simply pause and notice how you feel. It takes only a few seconds to ask, “What am I feeling right now?”
Step 2. Try to name the feeling.
Simply by naming the feeling to yourself, whatever it is — worry, anxiety, frustration, hurt, resistance or even a vague disturbance — will help you admit what you are feeling. Being honest about naming what you are feeling helps regulate your emotional energy, slowing down the emotional energy running through your system and giving you more power.
Step 3. Tell yourself to ease…as you gently focus in your heart, relax as you breathe and e-a-s-e the stress out.
As you tell yourself to ease in your heart, relax and ease the stressful emotion out, feel as if the unwanted emotion is leaving your system. Don’t force it out; ease it out. Befriend the reaction by holding it in your heart, then let the feeling ease out of your system.
Use the Notice and Ease Tool for one minute often throughout your day. Keep using the Notice and Ease™ Tool for one minute or longer, until you feel something lighten up, even if you don’t get an immediate, complete release. Quite often you can experience so many feelings within just five minutes. Don’t let this confuse you. Don’t even try to figure out why. Just keep practicing the Notice and Ease™ tool until your energies come back in balance. Then listen to the intuitive guidance of your heart on what to do next.
or to learn more go to http://www.heartmath.org/
This Valentines Day take the opportunity to begin to listen to your heart. It is the most loving gift you can give to yourself and your family.
Wishing you a heart-lead life and a very happy Valentines Day,
Your Sensible Girlfriend
This Christmas, my family and I started a new tradition we call The 12 Days of Christmas. Each day for twelve days starting December 26, we give a gift to someone we appreciate to let them know that they make a difference in our lives.
I believe appreciation is one of the best gifts you can give someone. Most people are surprised or even shocked to be recognized for their efforts or to know that they are valued and treasured. On the other hand, It feels good to tell people that you value them and that they are important to you and this gives you the opportunity to do it.
This tradition is also a way that I can teach my children about gratitude and that Christmas is not just about receiving presents. They get to see how the unexpected act of kindness, acknowledgement and appreciation touches people’s hearts.
One woman who who works at the YMCA was deeply touched by our gift of appreciation. She told me that no one ever says thank you or tells her how much they appreciate her. I could see that our gratefulness lifted her spirits and made her feel that all her hard work is worthwhile because it does make a difference to someone.
The gift this year from our hearts and our hands- my homemade rustic rye bread. My boys and I made it with love and their own little hands.
I believe we are here on this earth to connect with people, to make a difference in each other’s lives. I believe in every relationship, expressing your love and appreciation only creates more love and appreciation. This is one way to reach out and to create more love in the world. So let someone know that you appreciate them and you will be making the world a better place.
(Even if you did not get the gift of appreciation from me, just know that I still truly do appreciate you.)
Thank you for reading my blog; with Gratitude and Appreciation,
Your Sensible Girlfriend
I’ll admit it, I am a recovering hoarder. I inherited my pack-rat nature from both my parents who saw value in every piece of scrap they came across. I learned to be a “maybe we will need this someday” kind of person, a “be prepared for anything” kind of person, so learning how to let go of things has not been easy.
Kitchen Area- "After"
Cluttered Refrigerator & Counter Tops- "Before"
That all changed after reading a book called Simplicity Parenting. When I learned that my children would be better behaved just by de-cluttering, I was willing to try it. The theory is that clutter adds to overstimulation which when combined with other factors (being tired, hungry, emotionally out of sorts, etc.) a child is more likely to misbehave.
I had a chance to test this theory. We were going on vacation, so in order to sublet our home, we removed all child-related things and personal items (eliminating a lot of clutter). When we returned, we kept out the few toys my boys had from their suitcases. I also added some rocks and drift wood from the beach to give them something to build with. To my amazement, my children were calmer, more peaceful and happier! There were no longer piles of toys to scatter and step over. Their play became more creative out of sheer necessity. To my surprise, they didn’t complain about having fewer toys. They were actually happier with less! Imagine that! Another huge benefit was that my husband was noticeably happier with less clutter and living with happier kids.
Here’s the science behind why this works. Our bodies produce a stress hormone called cortisol when we are overstimulated. Clutter reads like chaos/stress to our senses. So when the clutter is removed, our brain and bodies can relax. When surrounded by clutter (or noise or anything continually irritating) there is a constant flow of cortisol in our system. This is like putting your children in PMS mode, so the slightest thing will more easily set them off.
Playroom "After"
Another “wow” that I got from Simplicity Parenting was the idea that space is a precious commodity. Empty space is often worth more than the item taking up that space. Weigh the value of being calmer and happier against the usefulness of that item. Does that change anything for you? It was a huge paradigm shift for me!
Desk Area "De-Cluttered"
Where to start?
• Start small. Choose one area such as your children’s toys, your bathroom counter or your desk.
• Eliminate the obvious, eliminate another time, and then a third time with the idea of space as a commodity and the prospect of happier children.
• Fellow hoarders: It is okay to put things that you use often hidden away in a cupboard. You don’t need to see it to know that it is there, especially if you use it every day. If you need a reminder, you can make a “what is in this cupboard” list taped inside your cupboard if you must.
• Empty space is good. Empty space actually calms our visual senses.
• Try to make surfaces of tables and counters as bare as you can.
• Donate what you have eliminated to a charity or gift the items to friends who would appreciate it.
Here are some helpful visuals:
Organize Your Clutter- My Children's "Art Cupboard"
(Below is a homemade curtain stuck on with “stick-on” velcro)
Hide Clutter Behind A Curtain!
No Cupboard Space? Appliances Can Be Hidden Under A Tablecloth!
Hidden Appliances- "After"
"Good Stuff" Going To Donation Center
It’s a New Year’s resolution worth following through on. My family is definitely more peaceful for it.
Wishing You A Peaceful, Joyful New Year!
Your Sensible Girlfriend
When it comes to birthdays, I go all out, especially with the cake. I tend to push the limits of my creativity. So when my younger son said he wanted a “tiger cake”, I envisioned a cute little tiger sitting on top of the cake in a green forest. I was inspired by watching a television show called The Cake Boss. They tend to use a lot of fondant (which is a sweet dough-like substance made of corn syrup, glycerin, powdered sugar, shortening and gelatin), not the healthiest stuff to say the least.
So instead, I made my own moldable sweet dough– a “healthy marzipan” using ground almonds, honey and spelt flour. I didn’t have a recipe to follow, so I just made one up. (You’ll find my “Healthy Marzipan” recipe in an upcoming post.)
Molding the marzipan into the shape of a tiger was surprisingly quick and easy. I started with a square for the head and a log roll for the body and just sculpted using my fingers.
I painted the face and stripes using royal icing and a black gel food coloring (I wish I had a healthier way to make the paint.)
I made two cakes with pieces of pear baked inside and sandwiched whipped cream and berries in between. (The cake recipe is from my professional baker uncle which I can’t reveal.)
My children always help me bake.
The birthday boy rolled out a log that I wedged into the middle of the cake to give it a smooth shape.
We rolled out the forest green marzipan flat, large enough to cover the cake.
I cut off the excess and smoothed in down close and tight.
I made extra colored marzipan for the decorative parts of the cake.
My amazingly, creative husband rolled these bees wax candles and made them into mini palm trees! How cute is that!
The birthday boy loved his cake and wanted the tiger all for himself.
And I let him have it. Just almonds and honey, how sensible is that? He can have his cake and eat it too!
Your Sensible Girlfriend
I have a mom friend who was wondering why she feels like she is always hurrying her children, even when they are “supposed to be enjoying life“. She writes about it in her blog post called “Why is it so hard for me to let my kids enjoy life at their own pace”.
http://jennifermargulis.net/blog/2011/08/why-is-it-so-hard-for-me-to-let-my-kids-enjoy-life-at-their-own-pace/
She asked for advice on “how to slow down and let her kids just be kids”.
To answer her, I shared the story of my own struggles of doing too much and learning to slow down. Here’s my story:
I am the type of person who likes to be “productive”. I like to set goals or plan the “big picture” of how things are going to go (whether an event like a birthday party, play group time or even every day life). And as a former television producer, I am used to coming up with an idea and then making it happen. So naturally, all of these traits slid right into the way I parent. I thought I knew what was best for my children and I went to great lengths to create fun/educational/sensory stimulating times for my kids. (I created and lead a weekly playgroup starting when my oldest son was 5 months old. We did music play days, art play days, movement/dance days. We also went on group excursions involving nature and/or animals.)
I often went for the “wow factor” trying to do things that would make our kids either say or think, “wow!”
I thought all these “personality traits” were a plus to being a “good parent”. And all the parents thought all these activities we great. But I started to sense something just wasn’t right, kind of like when you see (or feel really) a red flag in a romantic relationship and although you are not conscious of it all the time, it nags at you in the background of your daily life.
People always said, “wow, you do so much”, and I took it as a compliment. But at the same time, my children did not seem peaceful and happy.
And although I knew this was partly circumstance from trauma after the birth of my second son, I deep down knew that I was doing something wrong. I scoured articles on Waldorf-inspired parenting and kept reading similar advice to slow down, but I did not know what that really meant. It wasn’t in my personality or temperamental make up to do that. Honestly, I just didn’t know how. I tried by starting to do less. It helped a little, but I still sensed that there was another component to this that I was missing. I finally clicked when I read the book Simplicity Parenting. We were already on board with the most of the author’s advice of no electronic or plastic toys and I had already pared down their toy collection to three shelves. I also had already de-cluttered my house (based on his suggestion). We were already a TV-free house and limited their exposure to the adult world. So what really made the difference was this: the author basically said that we often are trying to “do something” to give our children a memorable childhood, but what makes the best memories are the rituals and traditions that we create in their daily lives and (even more importantly) the moments where we are doing “nothing”– that is when the magic happens (and my interpretations is that that is where they have the space to really feel our love, which is what they most crave).
In those “nothing” spaces, there is time for silliness, creative brainstorming together for projects, random storytelling, and sometimes even my four year old will feel like it is a good time to talk about what he is feeling deep inside.
Today (at the time of writing this) he said with a giant smile on his face “I am so happy. I am just so happy!” That tells me that I am doing something right and these changes I’ve made are working.
So how did I slow down? I did not only plan less in a day, but I stopped focusing on the things that we “had to do”. And I allowed myself to mentally and energetically meander through these spaces in the day where we didn’t have to be anywhere or do anything in particular. After I stopped leading a “Waldorf-style” playgroup and personal chefing, my husband said, “you don’t really need to do anything.” He helped me to break it down to just the essentials and see that everything else is an extra, by choice. I realized that we don’t really have to do anything except for eat, sleep, stay clean and do household chores, but I do keep with a daily rhythm and rituals. When I stopped focusing on “doing”, it was easier to just “be”. And this affects children so strongly because they are energetically so sensitive.
My kids (like all kids) can tell when my focus is somewhere else (like the computer or on a future project/event). If you can just be present with a child in this way, this is like spiritual food for their soul. This is more nourishing and longer lasting than any “wow” you can try to create.
Doing this also meant that I had to drop my “productive”, “professional working woman mode” and in a sense, my ego. To my surprise and also some relief, this was not about me and “what kind of a mother I am”. I think sometimes we, especially successful working women, tend to take on mothering as we do our profession. We see ourselves and our job as a mother in a certain way and we do what it takes to fulfill that vision. And fulfilling that vision in our minds equals success. And me being the “big picture” thinker, I saw myself and my family in this certain picture and I tried to “produce” this “project” just as I would produce a television show. That drove me to do those “wow” things that I thought my kids would like and what I thought would be good for them with this certain vision in mind.
Now I see that I was not making room for who they are. I was not making space for their soul to blossom and unfold. I was trying to entertain them and to educate them, but now they entertain themselves and learn through just plain old living. Now with the time to meander, be silly and just be, it allows their true self to unfold freely (almost gives them permission). And now I really pay attention to the signs to see if what we are doing is “feeding their soul” or not.
I now see that sometimes we hurry our children to do or see what we think is the “best part of life”, sometimes based on what we may have wanted as children. That is why we try to entertain them filling their life with those “wow” moments to things that we think are cool– rushing them out of the house to “have fun” at community festivals or classes to enhance their education or development, etc… when all they want to do is stay home and pretend play with the empty cardboard box.
And as my friend Jennifer reflected on, when her child opened a birthday present, Jennifer tried to direct her daughter’s attention to the beautifully hand painted wooden blocks when all the girl wanted was to play with the pretty ribbons. We adults want our kids to focus on what we think is important, but many times our children get caught up in something they are interested in (which can be a discovery/learning opportunity.) And who are we to say that those pretty ribbons are not as cool as those wooden blocks. The little girl loved them so much that she brought them to bed that night.
I am still wary of falling back into my old ways of parenting. It seems ironic, but it is harder just to “be” than it is to “do”. It is so easy to slip into our activity-filled, entertaiment-filled, information-filled society and hard to “protect” our kids from too much of it. Funny, I have to give myself permission to “do nothing.” But there is proof in my son bubbling over with so much happiness, that I am doing exactly what he needs. I hope this will help keep me on track.
And I hope in today’s world of the endless amounts of “wow” things out there to do, you can learn from my experience and just “be” with your children. Ask yourself with every activity, “is this going to light up their heart and nourish their soul? Or “am I just trying to entertain them?”
Allow space for them to meander through life. Every kid should be able to have that “happy-go-lucky” existence… and they can, if we would just allow it.
Giving Myself Permission To Just “Be”,
Your Sensible Girlfriend
Now that our kids have had their fill of Halloween candy, I have some words of advice (on the down low) from a dentist that I “grilled” (informally interviewed) recently.
But to start, I’ll tell you that I don’t really believe that young kids need to see a dentist if you are conscious to take preventative measures (which we do).
So that said, of course, my kids have not been to a dentist yet (almost three and four years old) although most people including dentists might consider that a form of light child abuse. (You may be one of them and may feel like reporting me to the authorities, but hold on and hear me out because it might surprise you to know that a dentist I spoke with agreed with me! (off the record, however to avoid criticism from colleagues.)
Why don’t I believe in dentist visits for my young kids?
A couple of reasons. One is that I don’t believe my children need a dental cleaning at this age. And second, I’ve always felt that dentists are trying to get you in as early and as often as they can in order to make a living.
The shocking thing is that this dentist said that I am right! He did say that he does see young children with cavities who do need cleanings and dental work, but they are the children who eat sugary foods, candy and drink soda or juice as a part of their normal daily diet (so if this describes your kid, please do take him or her to the dentist early and often). However, if you are a family like us, who does not eat sugary foods and cares for your kids teeth (brushing and checking for cavities) this dentist says your children can wait to see a dentist until around five or six years old! (and that is just for a general check up to make sure everything is okay.)
So what is the best way to take care of a young child’s teeth so they don’t need to see a dentist?
AVOID SUGAR AND SUGARY FOODS. That means all sugars including soda and fruit juice. Again, this dentist said the kids who have cavities are the ones who eat candy, drink soda and even fruit juice regularly. Kids don’t need juice. Eating fruit provides the fiber that is important in their diet and also in a way scrubs their teeth kind of like a tooth brush, so less sugar is left on the teeth. Drinking juice (or soda) is like washing your teeth in a sugar bath!
BRUSH AFTER YOU EAT. If you eat something sugary this will help. And here’s something you may not have thought of: carbohydrates stick to your teeth and can be almost as damaging as sugar (especially white flour types of foods). Brushing will make all the difference since tartar only forms from food or sugar left on your teeth. Flossing is good too, but just getting the brush into your kids mouths is sometimes the best we can do.
RINSE YOUR MOUTH WITH WATER AFTER EATING OR DRINKING. For kids, just having them drink water will rinse off a good amount of gunk that can turn into cavity producing tartar.
CHECK FOR CAVITIES. If you see any spots on your child’s teeth, especially on the tops of the molars, go see a dentist.
That is basically it for a healthy dental regimen.
Some other sound advice from this dentist…
When your child does see a dentist, have the dentist coat the tops of the back teeth with a sealant- a thin coating of resin. Since the molars are the most used to chew (where food can more easily get stuck in small crevices) this is where the coating can be an impervious barrier and protect the teeth without being invasive. This along with brushing can prevent kids who do eat sugar from losing their molar teeth to tooth decay.
Fluoride does help your teeth, so brushing with fluoride does make a difference, however it is not necessary to drink fluoridated water. Just getting your teeth in contact with fluoride is what matters. Fluoride strengthens the bony type material of the teeth, so if your child does have a weak spot in his tooth, the flouride can actually build up that weak spot and avert the possibility of a cavity. I personally would only give flouride toothpaste to children who are old enough not to swallow toothpaste. I believe ingesting fluoride is harmful and should only be used topically on the surface of the teeth and then rinsed out well with water. My children use a fluoride-free toothpaste since they are still in the habit of sucking on their toothbrushes. When they get older and break this habit, I’ll switch them over to a toothpaste with fluoride.
Some other tid-bits on the down low…
According to this dentist, it is true that many dentist do unnecessary cleanings and procedures in order to make money. Many dentists are not into prevention, but will “drill and fill” at the slightest sign of a cavity, where it instead could be remedied with prescription fluoride or other means. He has seen dentists take out teeth unnecessarily, and even do root canals that have done more harm than good. He agrees with me on this — if you are generally healthy with your teeth, seeing a bad dentist can put you more at risk than not seeing a dentist at all!
I am sure many dentists would refute these claims, but just think about who stands to gain and who stands to lose. My sensible advice– teach your kids to take care of their teeth and watch the sugar intake, and you can avoid most dental problems for life.
Your Sensible Girlfriend